I reach out, but instantly tears fill up in my eyes as I bring her to me and memories flood my mind.
“Push, Evangeline, Push. Just a little bit more,” the nurse calls out as she grips my leg high on my thigh, plastering them up to my chest.
A ripping sensation burns through me as scorching pain is being pulled from my body. “I can’t. Please, I can’t.”
“You hear me. You can. You’re almost there. You can do this.”
I take a deep breath, gripping my thighs tightly as I push harder, stronger, longer than before, screaming out at the top of my lungs as the burning stops and relief flows through my body, knowing it’s finally over.
Dropping back down to the bed, I take in slow, deep breaths as tears fill my eyes and overflow without any control.
Screams of happiness fill the room as the nurse rubs a washcloth across my forehead, but I turn my head, not wanting the attention.
“Hon.” She rubs my arm. “Do you want to meet your baby?”
I try to curl in a ball, tears flowing with no stopping in sight as I retreat back within and shake my head.
I hear her whisper something to the other nurse before turning her attention back to me, comforting me when there’s no way I’ll ever recover from this. I know she’s still going to try, though. Maybe she sees this kind of stuff often. Maybe she’s been in my shoes. I don’t know. All I do know is that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and even though my body is screaming in pain, my heart is ripped apart more than anything else.
“Whoa,” Kamii says, leaning down to be eye level with me and rubbing her hand on my knee. “What are all the tears about?”
I hand Becca back to her and stand to walk to the bathroom. I need to regroup before I say anything.
Kamii leaves me alone for a few minutes before I hear a light tap on the door. “You okay in there, sweetie?” Kamii whispers through the door.
“I’ll be right out,” I say, fighting my tears.
All these years of hiding, pretending my past didn’t happen are all coming to the front at one time. That damn picture of Carter, whatever is going on between Cole and me. Now the baby…I don’t think my heart can take all these feelings squeezing their way back into my life at once.
A minute later I walk out, taking a deep breath, ready to open my soul. “I had a baby when I was eighteen,” I admit as I round the corner back to the living room. Kamii turns around, her face showing so many questions, so I continue. “We were in love. At least I thought we were. He went away to college before I found out about the baby. I come from a small town, and he was so smart, even got a full scholarship to UCLA. He was going to be a doctor, and I knew if I told him he would have given it all up. I didn’t want us to struggle financially or to have our baby grow up without things like we both did. I was so lost,” I admit as I sit down, tears flowing freely again.
“I finally got the nerve to tell my parents, and they were so mad at me. The one thing they always stressed was not to get pregnant. They didn’t want me to throw away my future by having a baby young. I left the house after yelling at them. I was already a mess about what to do, and I was angry they were so upset instead of being parents and supporting me when I needed them the most. They came after me, trying to chase me down. That’s when I watched a guy run a red light, barely missing me and crashing into the side of them.”
“Angie…” Kamii places Becca down on the blanket she spread out on the floor and rushes over to my side.
“That’s when I ran. I left my hometown, changed my name, cut everyone off, and started over with the money they had in their bank accounts and then from selling everything off that they owned.”
“What did you do with the baby?” Kamii asked.
Tears flow down my cheeks, and I cover my face as I admit, “I gave him up for adoption. I’m so ashamed. I didn’t have that person I loved. I didn’t even have anyone I knew by my side. I was alone. Part of me died right there on that hospital bed, and I don’t know if I’ll ever have it back.” I cover my eyes, crying even harder.
“Oh, Angie, no, please, don’t cry.” Her arms wrap around me, holding me tightly as I cry for the last nine years that I’ve held in all of my emotions.
Once I’ve settled, and only a few sniffles remain, Kamii pulls away from me, moving my hair from my face and trying to look me in the eyes. “You know what?”
I look up, embarrassed by what I just admitted.
“I remember hearing once that giving your child up for adoption is actually the most motherly thing you could possibly do.”
I cover my face again and start bawling. How can that be possible?
She removes my hands, making sure I’m paying attention. “You knew you couldn’t provide for that child, and you wanted him to have a better life than what you could give him. You gave him up because you loved him enough to want a better life for him. That’s very honorable of you.”
Tears fall again as I wrap my arms around her and cry into her shoulder. “Thank you, Kamii. You have no idea what that means to me.”
“Sweetie, I’m just sorry I didn’t know sooner. If I had known I would have been more sensitive about bringing Becca around.”
“No, please don’t be sorry. It’s been years. I need to move on.”
