She cocked her head, raising an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“When I’m on patrol, of course,” I said, smothering a laugh. “There have been many times when having the ability to wrap this”—I flicked the end of my tail against her neck—“around someone’s arm or leg has saved my life in a fight.”
“I never thought about that,” she mused. “You haven’t toldme how it works.” She brandished her free arm at my body. “You said you’re half Shifter, but can’t fully shift.”
My chest tightened. It wasn’t a question. The last time she’d asked, I’d given her a cryptic response. She was leaving me a way out if I didn’t want to answer her.
I’d never told anyone the full story, not even Rissa. My twin knew my unconventional anatomy had left scars on me, both figuratively and literally. She knew I’d suffered and had been too ashamed to ever speak of it. It was the moment in my life I regretted more than any other. But she didn’t knowwhy.
Indecision warred within me. I wanted to leave it buried, to brush off Rose’s interest and placate her with some muddled, humorous version of the story. But how could I expect her to want to lean on me, to confide in me, if I couldn’t do the same?
This was the first time I’d felt even remotely safe sharing the truth with someone. The fear of judgment or condemnation didn’t exist with her. I knew she would accept me no matter what skeletons lay in my closet, and that in and of itself was a form of freedom.
She must have been able to read me as easily as I could her, for she shifted to the other side of the bed and laid down, patting the now empty spot. “Come here,” she said softly.
Shrugging off my cloak and draping it over the back of the chair, I lowered myself onto the warm sheets.
“You don’t have to talk about it,” she said.
“I know.” I faced the ceiling and rested my hands on my chest, taking a deep breath. “I’ve told you some of how my sister and I were treated as children. We were pariahs, living in constant anxiety because of who our father was and what had happened the night we were born. Rissa inherited our mother’s shifting abilities and struggled to control her magic at such a young age.” I tapped my thumb against my wrist, memories coming back to light. “With shifting comes increased senses, both physical and emotional. She was easily angered and would break down into tantrums at a moment’s notice, then dissolve into tears the next. She couldn’tstop herself from partially shifting when that happened…sometimes it would be her tail, others her ears, occasionally a paw.
“Being in public is hard for an early Shifter. Crowds overwhelmed her, and when they saw who she was and how uncontrollable her magic was, they assumed the worst. Assumed the cursed twins were only going to bring destruction to the capital. They were scared of her, thinking she’d erupt and hurt someone. We tried to make sure she was never alone when she went out, but some days…” I trailed off, remembering how difficult it had been to watch our parents work themselves into the ground and still barely have enough food on the table. How my sister and I often scavenged the surrounding village, looking for extras to bring home or stealing the occasional spare coin. My father flew into a rage if my sister, mother, or I left the house unprotected, but we couldn’t sit by and do nothing.
“One winter when we were twelve, she came home crying. I begged her to tell me what was wrong, but she was so shaken she couldn’t speak. She took her coat off…and that’s when I saw the bruises.” Rose sucked in a breath. “All across her arms and neck, like she’d been hit repeatedly and—and choked. They had started to heal already, but I could tell they were fresh.”
I gritted my teeth, anger clawing at me. I hadn’t been there to protect her. That image had been branded on my mind for fifteen years. Sometimes, when I closed my eyes, I saw the blue and purple marks on the back of my lids. Her swollen red eyes, her disheveled blonde hair.
“I snapped. I didn’t know what to do or how to help her. All I wanted was for her not to be alone. She was my twin—we’d gone through everything together, but I was an Alchemist. I’d never shown signs of having Shifter blood. This was a path I couldn’t follow her down, and it killed me.”
Swallowing hard, I braced myself for what came next. The same hopelessness that had gripped me back then roared to life. “I took my father’s Grimoire and searched for something—anything—that could help. I didn’t even know what I was looking for whenI found a transformation spell, one that could turn simple objects into another. Water to wine and wood to steel, or more complex matter, depending on the power behind the spell. I thought…if I couldmakemyself like her, a Shifter, then she wouldn’t be alone.”
Rose’s breath hitched. She placed a hand on my forearm and squeezed. “Leo, you didn’t…”
“I didn’t know what else todo,” I repeated hoarsely, turning to face her. It was easier like this, when it was only the two of us. I didn’t have to pretend. “I got the ingredients and waited until the next full moon, when our magic is strongest. There was no part of me that thought this would work. I was young and desperate and careless. But I’d heard rumors. Rumors about ways to make spells even more powerful.”
“Blood magic,” she whispered. When I didn’t respond, she moved her hand to cover mine, ceasing my anxious tapping. She threaded her fingers through my own and slid closer to me. As I spoke, I rubbed my thumb against hers.
“The spell called for pieces of what you wanted to transform and what you wanted it to become. So I used my own blood and some animal fur I’d found in the forest. It was…the most excruciating thing I’ve ever felt.” I paused, words trapped in my throat, still able to feel the phantom ache burning in my spine, my bones, my head. Every cell in my body had been set ablaze, ripping my organs to shreds. Even the memory of it had me twisting my free hand in the sheets as my muscles locked.
Her warm hand cupped my face, those sharp, beautiful eyes grounding me back in the moment.
“The spell worked,” she said quietly, her tone laced with awe. “Youmadeyourself a Shifter.”
“Not fully. The tail is permanent—I can’t shift that at will. I’ve always thought of it as a consequence for trying to defy the laws of magic. Over time, I learned how to hone my other animalistic senses, how to turn them off and on. I suppose it hasn’t been the worst ability to have.”
She let out a disbelieving laugh. “I can’t believe you actuallydid it. That it’s even possible. For a spell to be able to do something like that…it’sextraordinary.”
I pulled myself into a sitting position to face her. “It’sdangerous, Rose. We shouldn’t have power like that. It’s not natural, and something that strong…it always has consequences. A price to be paid. I thought mine was merely pain or this ridiculous tail, but it—it was more than that.”
Her brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”
I threw my legs over the side of the bed and stood, pacing back and forth along the length of the room. “We’ve always known this. The basic principles of Alchemy are that any curse, any magic too powerful, has a price. I should have known. I should have seen it coming, that my trying to alter the verynatureof who I was would take something in return.” I was rambling, but couldn’t seem to stop. The moment I said the words aloud, they became true. I needed Rose to understand. And I couldn’t bear to have her look at me when?—
“Leo.” She stepped in front of me, one hand coming to my shoulder to cease my striding and the other landing on the side of my neck. Her gaze was steady. Controlled. Comforting. “What happened?”
I was sure she could feel my pulse fluttering frantically beneath her touch as the confession rolled up my chest and onto my lips.
“I killed him.”
