He let out an ironic laugh and looked around, as if to see if there were witnesses to get a load of me. But it was just us.
“It’s not a game, Nick,” he said. “People just come up to me. I would never play you on purpose.”
“I don’t believe it. You make a fool of me on a regular basis.”
“I misguided you when I introduced you to liquor,” he said, still laughing some. “Your overthinking becomes worse.”
“I don’t like you,” I said, my voice hoarse.
Jay’s expression became serious, as if hearing the words, even in jest, brought him pain. His charm disappeared. “Fine,” he said, in a low voice. “I fold. The real reason I drift is because you mattertoo much.”
I blinked, thrown off. “What?”
“You matter too much.” He held my gaze, and I could see he’d lost interest in patching up his weaknesses. “You see the real me. Not the version of me I’m forced to be when I pal around with kind strangers, but the me inside. The exposed version. And that’s scary! Say I get closer, and I lose you? Who’s gonna see me then? Who else?”
It was my turn to say something, but I had no words. Nothing quite so earnest, anyway. It was hard to see Jay in such a fragile state, but it also made me feel more alive knowing how much I meant to him. To finally be sure.
“You’re the one who keeps me at a distance!” he continued, his voice gaining volume and anger, through the pain. “You hold back too!You’reinconsistent too! Every time I’ve tried to pull youcloser—I mean, I asked you to the dance for crying out loud!” He covered his eyes with his hands and fell back against the bricks as if the memory took the life out of him. “You ran off when we were just getting started,” he said, voice quieter, tinged with disappointment. “That wasyou.”
And now, an accusation left me standing like a slain pig hanging in the window of a butcher’s shop. My breathing was not flowing normally, though I’d only just noticed that. How could emotions make me feel this way? Was he right? Of course not—never.
We stood there, the music and noise of the juice joint fading into the background of our pregnant silence.
“Well, I am a coward,” I said finally, my voice barely audible over the music. “What can I say? More reason to leave me alone.”
I stormed down the alley. That would show him what it felt like to be abandoned. To be falling and wishing someone could catch you, but to never be caught how you needed to be.
“You can’t be serious, Nick?” he called, following me out.
I didn’t need Jay Gatsby! I only needed me!
“Nick!” he called.
To hell with his Nicking!
Whatever was just over the bridge of admitting our truest feelings frightened me to no end.
I continued to stumble toward the end of the alleyway until I lost him and met a street pole. I banged my forehead lightly on it just to feel the sensation.What sense did it make to let someone else control you? To let emotions rule?
A white woman was staring when I pulled my head back forthe third smash. She alerted her husband, and then they both stared.
“Yes! Drunken Negro boy!” I called out, but I barely recognized my manic voice. “Ever heard of one?”
They scurried off after that, not even caring to mask their fear. I fled the other way down the sidewalk and lost myself in another alley between two tenements. I stumbled a few steps and then I fell. I pushed myself up again and fell again.
“Never find me again, Jay,” I growled, the rawness of the sun in my chest. “Juststay away.”
The pavement had me. My head was pounding, and the world was spinning. I couldn’t separate up from down—cobblestones, bricks, and sky were everywhere I looked.
“Hey! Faggot!”
Was that for me?There were two belligerent men rushing toward me, and their tone was a promise for a beating. I fell right into a puddle, biting the street for a third time. In the reflection of the water was a boy with bloodshot eyes and saliva pooling in his mouth.
I spun around, sat in the water, and started to splash. The two guys rolled up their sleeves as they advanced on me.
“You kill Tony? It was you, wasn’t it?” one of them screamed.
I got up to run the other way and then collapsed again. A pair of shoes became level with my eyes.
