I wanted to believe it, butwhateverwas a very strong word, and he wasn’t looking at me.
The tide whispered to us as it crept closer to our feet. I watched Jay, and he watched the waves. Somewhere between us, the full truth lingered, distant as the horizon itself.
20.
After the beach, I decreed we go for a drink at The Green Light.I knew Jay was thinking about it but didn’t want to mention it so as not to sound like too much of a boozehound.
He only kept saying, “What do you want to do next?” until our car found its way to the seedy side of Harlem.
An hour after we left the beach, he was at the counter slurping down a Tom Collins, joy coursing through his body as he bounced on the stool like a restless boy. A white girl in a shiny dress and headband kept eyeing him from down the counter, until finally she caught his gaze, and Jay smiled at her, soaking up the attention.
I watched the pianist onstage play with his eyes closed, the keys so intrinsic to him he did not need to see them. I closed my eyes too, to see if being blind through the music might free me from my jealousy.
At some point as I sat with my eyes closed, I began to hear their conversation.
“This place makes everywhere else feel so tame in comparison!” the girl said. “Don’t you think?”
“Wonderful, isn’t it?” Jay returned, forming a natural chemistry with her.
But she couldn’t see how Jay doubted himself, that he was afraid to be discovered as a fake in these meaningless exchanges.
There was a pause. I could feel the girl’s eyes falling on me, even as I sat there in blackness.
“He a...specialfriend or just a friend?”
“Oh, he’s... yeah, he’s a friend.”
You dirty dog! Low-down, no good, second of his name...
I jumped angrily off the stool and moved to the end of the counter. When I looked back, I caught him watching my every move, the soft light framing his focus as the girl continued to chat.
I waved the server down and said, “I’ll have a straight shot please.”
I hoped Jay would see me in a rage, but he put his focus back on the girl!
Break my heart wide open in public, leave it spilling like wine from a busted glass, but I’ll never give you the power to see my pain. No matter how long it lasts.
He only glanced up briefly as I downed my shot. I ordered two more and drank them, and he barely even paid attention. There was my answer—he didn’t care.
I wandered around the joint, a desperate thought chirping around in my mind.Why not only me? Why?
It seemed in each dim corner of the place, people were kissing and touching. Everyone had a person but me. I was unlovable! And therefore, I was unsafe in this world. Another year had gone by, and I was still a lone wolf, at least on the inside—a runt wolf, the smallest of the pack.
I went out to the walkway by the entrance, which burned under red light. I closed my eyes again. Tears were bubbling up like a volcano in me, but I’d give them no permission to fall.
“Why are you crying?” came Jay’s voice. But when I opened my eyes, he didn’t look very empathic toward me. Instead, he looked done with my mess. “If you want me to pay attention to you, you could just ask.”
“Oh, you were very focused on the young lady, so no need,” I hissed back.
Jay rolled his eyes. “Yes, there is a need. Every time you don’t get your way you go throwing a tantrum. And for what? It will always be you I return to. Clearly.”
I found myself pinching my fingers together, to test if I still had my shot glass at hand. “This could all be so much easier if there weren’t other stops on your destination to me,” I murmured.
Who are these girls that distract you, and what do they have that I lack?
“Other stops?” Jay lost even more patience with that, and yet it seemed to make him get closer to me, even as he folded his arms. “What are you talking about now?”
“You know what I’m talking about. All the time you spend proving you don’t need me, and that you could have anyone andthen trying to watch how I react! It’s a game to you.”
