Relax.
Even the thought of the word triggered prickles of anxiety to erupt across Olivia’s skin.
‘Well, I have quite a few things planned for when I’m there. Lots of churches to see and temples to visit.’
‘I knew it.’ Tracey slapped her hands down on the bed. ‘I knew you were one of those.’
‘One of what?’
‘The doers.’ She smiled as though uncovering a great mystery. ‘Knew it the second I saw you. My Jen is the same. Can’t sit still for love nor money. Always on the go, planning this, controlling that, organizing someone to do something. Non-stop, she is.’
‘You say it like it’s a bad thing.’
‘Not bad, just exhausting. Don’t you get tired of trying to hold everything together all of the time?’
‘Rather than what? Going around letting things justhappen?’ Olivia could feel her defences locking into position, armouring her ready for battle. ‘No direction. No decisions. No responsibility to do anything.’
Like Jacob and his silly dice.
‘Woah there, kid, there’s no need to get yourself worked up. I didn’t mean to cause offence.’
‘I’m not offended.’
‘You sound offended.’
‘I’mnot.I’m just sick of people thinking life works like we’re in some kind of fairy tale or movie.’ The agitation instantly switched to sadness. Tears filled her eyes and her voice began to quiver. ‘It’s all well and good saying everyone should just go with the flow, but some things … somesituations’ – her throat was constricting with every sound she made – ‘needsomeone to take control.’
Tracey fixed her with a curious expression, and after a brief silence nodded in recognition.
‘I see.’
‘You see what?’
‘I see where it comes from now.’
Olivia was about to snap back when Tracey continued, her words silencing her immediately.
‘Because when my Harry passed away, I sort of fell apart a bit. It didn’t happen overnight, of course. It was more of a gradual thing. But soon I became obsessed with controlling everything around me. His death was such a surprise that I couldn’t handle the thought of anything unknown. I’d drive my kids mental, calling them, checking what they were doing. Making sure everything was in the same place in my house, eating the same thing every day. I thought, ain’t no bloody rogue nut going to kill me off too!’
Olivia’s chest ached for the woman sitting opposite her. It ached for her pain, but it also ached in understanding.
‘It was bonkers and it was unbearable, but it was how I coped. When life begins to unravel before your eyes, you grab on to anything to keep steady, don’t you?’ She fixed Olivia with a look that seemed to burrow beneath her layers and into the very centre of her soul. ‘What made you try and hold on to it all then, love?’
Don’t answer that.
Do not go there.
But the words came rushing out before she had a chance to hold them back.
‘My sister.’ Her voice was so small.
‘Ah.’ Tracey nodded. ‘The mashed bananas.’
‘Yeah, she used to ask for them when the chemo would make her sick.’
‘I see. How old was she when she got diagnosed?’
‘Four.’ Olivia’s shoulders slumped under the heaviness of it. ‘I was twelve and my brother Kyle was nine.’
