‘Jesus, that’s tough. It’s tough at any age but especially when you’re a kid.’
‘It wasn’t ideal.’
Tracey dropped her voice. ‘And let me take a wild guess here: as the oldest, you did what you could to help out while everyone around you, including the adults, were losing their minds?’
Her words were like a blunt instrument hitting Olivia’s heart.
‘Pretty much.’
‘Hmm, you see that’s the thing about parents. At the end of the day, they are just as messed up and raw and emotionally clueless as the rest of the world. They can’t protect you from everything. They aren’t the big heroes you want them to be. In fact, sometimes they are the complete opposite. The moment your child sees that, it’s like the spell is broken.’
The memory of Olivia’s mum and dad holding one another, crumpled on the floor in tears whilst she watched on, holding Kyle’s hand and telling him it would all be OK, made her heart stop momentarily and her body run ice cold.
‘Yeah, you can say that again.’
‘But trust me when I say this, it hurts just as much for them to know you’ve seen them like that, as it does you seeing it for yourself.’ A shadow of anguish flittered across Tracey’s face. ‘How is your sister now?’
Dead.
‘She’s …’ Olivia lifted her head and saw the hope in Tracey’s eyes.
Dead. Say it. She’s dead.
‘She’s good. She’s really good.’
‘Great!’ Tracey reached for her hand and squeezed it hard.‘That’s brilliant, that is. She’s OK and you’re OK, and now you can start getting back to relaxing andenjoyingyour life! Letting go a bit more, not getting so het up about everything.’
‘I guess …’
‘You guess?’
‘I don’t know.’ She sighed in frustration. ‘It sometimes feels hard to do that, you know? It’s not like I can just flick a switch and chill out all of a sudden.’
Because nothing would get done.
Nothing would be achieved.
‘No, it takes time and patience. God knows it took me long enough. Time, a lot of therapy and a ton of yoga, but eventually I found my way.’
‘Yoga?’ Olivia couldn’t keep the surprise from her voice.
‘Hey, just because I’m built like a brick shithouse does not mean I can’t bend over and touch my toes.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that!’
‘Ahh, I’m only messing with you, Livvy. I’ve been doing yoga every day for nine months and I still can’t reach past my ankles, but that’s not the point. It’s about the breathing and the focus and presence. Being purely in that moment, in your body, and feeling everything as it is. Powerful stuff, that is.Healingstuff.’
Olivia let the words sink in past her scepticism. ‘Really?’
‘Really. The biggest thing I learnt is that when you’re in the darkness and you feel like there’s no escape, find one thing that brings you joy. One little thing, and do it every day. Soon those small things add up to the big things, and without you even realizing, that fog will clear and life will feel a little lighter.’ Tracey took a long, slow sip of her tea. ‘Joy is all we’ve got in this messed-up, crazy world, kid. Weall die some day, no matter how hard we try and fight it. So, we might as well make the most of the ride while we’re still on the bike.’
Olivia laughed. ‘Sounds like something Jacob would say.’
‘And who the ruddy hell is Jacob?’ Tracey jerked her head so quickly that Olivia was worried she was about to fall off the bed.
‘He’s a friend I met out here.’
‘A friend, hey?’ Tracey winked. ‘I raised four daughters, remember; I know what you girls mean when you say that word.’
