Oh, how it hurt to want to be held. To see the images of her parents flash before her, reaching out to her but unable to grasp hold. She buried her head deeper into the soaked pillows and bawled, allowing her feelings to fully take over. Not since she was young had she cried like this. Leah’s diagnosis had put a stopper in any thought or desire to do so; Olivia knew full well that whatever she was experiencing was nothing in comparison to her sister. But now … now it was just her.
Call them.
The thought was so small, yet powerful enough for Olivia to reach for her phone and turn it over in her clammy palms.
And say what?
Reality sobered her. As much as her childish longing wanted to, she knew she wouldn’t be able to speak to her parents in this state. Pride was a powerful armour that was hard to remove after decades of wearing. Instead, she wipedher tears and took a deep breath in, allowing her fingers to find the only other number she could think of calling.
After three rings he answered.
‘Big Sis! I was wondering if I was ever going to hear from you …’
‘Kyle?’ Her voice cracked immediately, its pitch too high and too constricted to pass as normal.
‘Jesus Christ, are you OK? You sound … I don’t know.’ He paused, as though unable to compute the words Olivia knew he was going to say. ‘You sound like you’re crying.’
‘That’s because …’ Her throat tightened and her breath grew shallow. ‘That’s because I am.’
‘Holy shit. Hold on, I’m going outside and I’ll FaceTime you, OK? Do not go anywhere.’ Notes of fear were audible underneath his serious tone. ‘Do you hear me, Liv? Do not go anywhere.’
*
After an hour on FaceTime with her brother, Olivia felt much more herself. Her body was still sore and her hair rancid with vomit, but her mood had lifted significantly. Hearing Kyle’s updates on life back home, and the drama that seemed to occur daily at his work, was respite for her sorry self.
‘Now, what are you going to do with yourself for the rest of the day? Apart from shower – because let’s face it, you look like you stink.’
‘Of course I’ll be showering, thank you very much, and then …’ She shrugged. What was she meant to be doing today? Probably looking round a thousand and one tourist sites. ‘Not sure.’
‘Why don’t you meet a friend and grab some food?’
Because I don’t have any friends.
The thought stung a little more than she expected.
‘Hmm no, I’m not hungry.’
‘Not now you’re not, but you’ll have to eat at some point.’
‘Maybe.’
‘No, not maybe. You need to eat something.’
‘Wow, OK. Since when did you become so sensible?’
‘Maybe since I stopped being a little boy and grew up.’
‘That’s news to me,’ she joked, but she soon saw that Kyle wasn’t laughing. ‘Oh, come on, I’m only messing around.’
‘I know you all find it so hard to believe, but I’m not a totally incapable idiot. I can look after myself.’
‘I know you can. Of course you can!’
An awkward silence wedged itself between them, and Olivia knew she was going to have to be the one to break it.
‘Speaking of food, I was thinking: do you remember when Leah used to get sick, how she would always want mashed banana and milk to soothe her stomach?’
‘Yeah,’ Kyle replied reluctantly, his scowl softening ever so slightly at the mention of Leah.
