‘It was heartbreaking, but what could I do? He wasn’t a child any more. He was a man, and a very stubborn one at that.’
Olivia tried to swallow down the lump in her throat. ‘If ithelps, I can assure you that Jacob has certainly been living his life to the fullest.’
‘It does.’ Helen reached across and placed her hand over Olivia’s. ‘More than you know.’
‘Do you mind me asking what brought him back to England?’
This question had been front of mind ever since she’d received Helen’s email. What had been the turning point? What had happened for him to admit defeat and come home?
‘From what he’s told me’ – Helen took a slow inhale – ‘he started feeling unwell; headaches and clumsiness to start with, but it soon progressed into dizzy spells and severe migraines.’
The night on the moped.
‘He ended up crashing his bike quite badly and was taken to hospital. They did a scan to check for concussion and found another tumour. He refused the operation but decided to come home.’ She hesitated to gain some composure. ‘He’s been here ever since.’
The pair sat quietly for a moment, Olivia letting the information sink in, a niggling feeling of guilt gnawing at her conscience.
‘We crashed,’ she admitted, ‘when we were coming back from the beach one day. Jacob was driving, and he went all quiet and lost control of the bike. I tried to make him go to the doctor’s afterwards. Iknewsomething wasn’t right, but … but …’ She shook her head, disappointment and shame clamping down on her chest.
‘He refused to go? He laughed it off and pretended it was all fine?’ Helen lifted Olivia’s chin with her finger. ‘Of course he did.’
‘But maybe I could have done more? Maybe it could have been caught sooner.’
I could have saved him.
At least I could have tried to save him.
‘My dear, please don’t beat yourself up about this. Even if you had forced him and they had caught it sooner, who’s to say he would have done anything about it except carry on as he was before? This is not your fault. My son is a master at playing pretend, and he’s stubborn as anything.’
‘I know that, but can’t he see how serious it is?’ The anguish in Olivia’s voice was undeniable, and so too was the anger. ‘Why won’t he have the operation?’
How could he willingly give up his life? How dare he throw any extra day he had given to him away? Especially when other people didn’t get that chance.
‘I don’t know. I’ve asked and pleaded and shouted and cried, but his answer remains the same.’
There was a brief silence, punctuated by Helen’s unexpected laugh.
‘I have to be honest with you, Olivia.’ She ran her finger distractedly around the rim of her cup. ‘Part of the reason I invited you here was to try and convince him to take the help. I thought, maybe if he saw you, realized how much he was about to lose, he would change his mind.’
‘I could have told you that wouldn’t have worked. He’s already said he won’t change for anyone. I’m not enough. Nobody is.’
The thought cracked the last remaining fragments of Olivia’s heart that had been clinging together.
‘But he loves you,’ Helen implored. ‘I know he does. That’s why he won’t let you see him. He’s stubborn and afraid and doesn’t want to upset you, but I hear the way hetalks about you, and I see the look in his eye when he says your name.’
Olivia’s heart tripped over itself. ‘It’s probably just the medication talking.’
‘Now you’re the one playing pretend.’ She reached for her hand and grabbed it firmly. ‘He loves you. And if one tiny part of you thinks you feel the same way, then please, before you go, at least say goodbye. Don’t leave things like this. At the very least, for your sake.’
Olivia let the tears fall, each one dropping salty pearls into her tea.
‘I wish it was just one tiny part of me that felt the same,’ she cried. ‘It would make this hurt a lot less.’
Helen squeezed her hand. ‘Well, my darling, what are you waiting for?’
Jacob
He knew the knock would come. It took longer than he thought, but that was probably thanks to his mother plying the poor girl with tea and cake.
