‘Jacob, it’s me.’
The sound of her voice made his already broken body hurt a little more.
‘Can I come in?’
He tried to shift further up the bed, running his hands through his matted and dirty hair. He didn’t need a mirror to know how terrible he looked. How the man Olivia once knew had disintegrated to leave a withered, gnarled and bitter version in its place.
‘Fine.’
‘I won’t stay long.’ The door creaked open and in she stepped, tentative, almost fearful.
And you wonder why, after you shouted at her like that?
‘I just wanted to say goodbye.’
Her voice cracked on the final word, sending guilt tearingthrough him. He watched as she finally allowed her eyes to lift, fully taking in the surroundings of his bedroom.
‘Don’t judge.’ He nodded at the cartoon posters tacked to every available piece of wall. ‘I was a big Spider-Man fan.’
Olivia hovered awkwardly, shuffling from one foot to the other, while Jacob stared down at his frail hands, shrivelled and shrunken like an old man’s. He tucked them neatly under the covers and out of sight.
‘You can sit if you want.’ He gestured to the end of the bed, still unable to meet her gaze.
‘Thank you.’
He felt Olivia perch, very tentatively, on the edge. She was like a frightened animal waiting to run at any given moment. Away from him.Becauseof him.
‘How … how are you feeling?’ she whispered.
‘Really?’ Jacob finally met her eyes, his glare incredulous.
‘Yes.’
‘Look at me, Olivia.’ He ran his hands up and down the length of his body. ‘I’m like a walking corpse that hasn’t showered in days. How do you think I’m feeling?’
‘I get it.’
‘Do you?’ he snarled.
He knew he was being difficult, snapping and fighting her kindness as violently as he could, but how could he not? How could he sit there and look at her face without feeling some kind of resentment? Some type of anger at the unfairness of it all.
‘In a way, yes.’ A single tear fell from her eye.
He took a deep breath in, remembering all too well how much she’d seen of this herself. This wasn’t her fault; none of it was her fault. It just hurt so much to see her.
‘How am I feeling?’ He let down his defences momentarily. ‘I feel tired. To the core of my bones. I feel depressed. I feel angry. I feel embarrassed that I shouted at you. I feel guilty that I didn’t reply to your email. I feel …’
Say it. Say it now, while you can.
‘I feel happy to see you.’
He saw Olivia visibly relax at his words, sinking more fully into the mattress.
‘How about you?’ he asked.
‘Well, I also feel embarrassed because I turned up without you knowing. I feel guilty I didn’t know you were sick, and …’ she added shyly, ‘I feel happy to see you too.’
‘Even after my wonderfully welcoming hello?’
