‘He wasn’t drunk,’ Freya stated firmly.
Eleanor jerked her head in confusion.
‘What do you mean, he wasn’t drunk?’
‘I asked him.’ She shrugged. ‘He promised me he wasn’t drunk the night he had the accident.’
‘And you believe him?’
‘Completely.’
Eleanor’s world shifted once again.
‘OK, so you have feelings for them both,’ Freya stated bluntly. ‘What do you want to do?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Yes, you do. What do you want?’ Freya replied.
‘Aren’t you listening to me? I. Don’t. Know.’ She clawed at her hair, scratching her fingernails deep into her skull. ‘I’ve tried to write down the pros and cons. Endless lists to help me try and work out what to do, and I still don’t know.’
‘You can’tthinkyour way out of this one, Eleanor.’ Freya stood up and placed her hands firmly on her shoulders. ‘What do you want?’
Eleanor needed to move. She needed to walk the frustration out of her, but Freya was still holding her tightly, keeping her still. ‘I don’t know.’
‘What do you want?Whodo you want, Eleanor?’
Images of Ben and Fin flashed across her mind. ‘I don’t know,’ she moaned.
‘Ask yourself, what do you want?’ Freya pushed, her voice firm and stern.
‘I don’t know,’ Eleanor screamed.
‘Yes, you do,’ her sister shouted back.
‘You don’t need to shout at me.’ Eleanor tried to pull free from her grasp, but Freya clamped down harder.
‘Yes, I do, because for Christ’s sake you’re not listening. You haven’t been listening for years. This isyourlife, Eleanor. Yours. Do you hear that? It’s. Your. Life.’ Freya shook her hard with each word she spoke. ‘You let Oliver take over completely. You straightened your hair because he wanted you to. You stopped painting because he wanted you to.Goddammit, you work in that godforsaken job that youhatebecause that’s what you think you should do. You went on that date with Ben because Sal wanted you to. You turn up to Mum’s for lunch every other Sunday because she wants you to.’
Freya relaxed her grip slightly and Eleanor wrenched herself free. Her sister’s words filled her brain until it became so crowded it was all a jarring blur of white noise. She tried to speak but nothing came out.
‘You do everything that everyone else wants you to do. You always do everything for everyone else.’ Freya softened. ‘So, I’m asking you. What doyouwant? What does your heartwant, Eleanor?’
Eleanor closed her eyes and willed her brain to quieten.
What do you want?
She breathed in deep, guiding her attention away from her thoughts and down deeper into herself.
What do you want, Eleanor?
Everything went quiet. The external world around her melted away until all she could hear, all she could feel, was the thudding of her heart in her chest and the sound of a name repeating over and over between the beats. The sound ofhisname. After everything … it was his name …
Fin
Fin woke gradually, the pull of sleep refusing to relinquish its grasp on him completely. He could sense the familiar movements around him, the nurses coming and going, the chatter of the ward beyond his bay, easing him from his dream state and welcoming him back to the monotony of life in the hospital. Since Freya left, time had slowed itself down to barely a crawl. The only way Fin could pass the day was either to stare out of the window or sleep.
‘Jesus Christ!’ he gasped, his body shocked fully into waking. There was someone staring at him from the chair by the window. A pair of large and piercing eyes. He sat upright and saw, to his confusion, that it was an oversized painting of his mother.
