It’s not worth it.
He’s not worth it.
But it was too late. His mouth was open and the toxicity pouring out of him before he could think twice about stopping. ‘And believe me, one day, you will be sorry. You’ll beso sorry that you won’t know what to do with your pathetic self, and I hope, goddammit, I hope that there’s no one around to make you feel better or tell you it’s going to be OK. I hope you wake up one day very sorry and very alone.’ His hands were shaking and his voice was trembling. ‘Because that is the least you deserve.’
Fin hung up before he dared speak another word. There was nothing more to be said. He was done and it was finally time to move on.
Then: Aged 18
Fin
Fin checked the time. He still had a good two hours before his taxi was set to arrive and his mum wouldn’t be home for at least another four.
You can do this.
Everything is going to work out fine.
Fin took a deep breath and focused his attention on what was left to do. He had finished most of his packing, he had his visa application ready, his tickets, his passport and his letter to Eleanor written and sealed. The only things outstanding were making some sandwiches for the plane and trying to sneak as many snacks and cereal bars as possible from the kitchen.
‘Fin,’ a loud voice called from outside his window.
He dropped to his knees and prayed that he hadn’t been seen.
‘It’s too late, I saw you in the window,’ Eleanor continued to shout. ‘If you don’t come down and let me in, I’ll stand here screaming until you do.’
She wouldn’t do that …
‘Finley Taylor.’ Her voice reached an even louder volume. ‘Don’t try me.’
She really would.
Reluctantly, he got up from the floor and peered out of the window. There she was, his best friend in the entire world glaring up at him, hands on hips and a deep scowl on her face.
‘Any time soon would be good.’ She pouted angrily.
Fin ran his hands through his hair. He knew there was no escaping now, so very slowly he made his way out of his bedroom and down the stairs. Every step he took, excuses and lies swam temptingly around his mind.
She doesn’t have to know.
One more lie won’t hurt her.
But the moment he opened the door, he knew any attempt at deceit would be useless. Eleanor only had to look at him a certain way and the truth would always come spilling out. She was the only person in the world he had been able to be honest with, except for the past couple of weeks. Guilt swirled sickeningly inside him.
I had to lie.
It was for her own good.
‘Aren’t you going to invite me in?’ She frowned.
‘Sure.’ Fin stepped back and made way for Eleanor to pass. The moment the front door was shut, she turned on him.
‘So, what’s all this about then?’ she asked, the anger leaving just enough room for the hurt to appear. ‘You’ve practically disappeared off the face of the earth the last two weeks. I’ve called. I’ve texted.’ Fin went to open his mouth but Eleanor cut him off. ‘And don’t give me the “I’ve been sick” bullshit any more. You’re fine. I know you’re fine. So why are you avoiding me?’
Fin put his hands in his pockets and felt his shoulders slump forward. ‘I had some stuff to sort out,’ he offered weakly.
‘Stuff?’ she pressed, her voice sounding scarily like her mother’s. Fin was about to comment on their likeness when he realized that maybe now was not the time.
‘Yeah. Stuff.’
