She patted his hand one last time and shuffled her way up to standing. ‘You and me both.’
49
Alice
She’d messed up. She’d messed up really, really badly.
Straight after it happened, she tried to convince herself that she’d simply been too confused to do anything. Being woken up by the screaming had been disorientating and she couldn’t be sure if she was still dreaming or not. Confusion. That was the reason it took her so long to react, and then by the time she’d worked out what was happening it was all too late.
It was a hard pill to swallow to admit it was all bullshit.
Ultimately she was a coward. A selfish, unforgivable coward.
Itwastrue that she was disorientated when she first woke up; however, the moment she heard Alfie’s voice she knew that this was very real and something was very wrong. Yet despite his cries for help, she couldn’t go to him. Fear was holding her down against her will. The most ludicrous part of it all was that no one would be looking at her anyway. The only thing anyone would be caring about was saving the life of a man who was dying in front of their eyes. It was allin her head. She was the only one that cared. She was the only one standing in her way, and now she was suffering the consequences.
At first she couldn’t work out what was worse, his anger or the silence. Hearing the disappointment in his voice was devastating, but it was the edge of repulsion that she couldn’t seem to shake off. He was disgusted by her actions. Well, her lack of. And no matter how many excuses she tried to find, Alice knew that he was justified in his feelings towards her. Knowing that seemed to make it hurt all the more.
Even though she was still hidden away in her cubicle, Alice decided to wait until the evening to try to talk to him again. Being rejected in broad daylight was never a nice feeling, even when you’d tried to make yourself invisible.
‘Alfie?’ Her voice was tentative but definitely audible.
Silence.
‘Alfie, please?’
Nothing.
‘If you don’t want to talk to me I understand, but please at least hear me out.’
She took his silence as a green light.
‘What I did, well, what I didn’t do … it was unforgivable. I didn’t get up. I didn’t get up because I’m stuck in this ridiculous minefield of fear. I wanted to, I really wanted to be there for you, to help, to do something, but I just … I just couldn’t. Do you know how sick that makes me feel? How ashamed I am? I don’t want to live my life as a coward any more, Alfie, Irefuseto live my life like this. That’s why I’ve agreed to have another operation. A second surgery to fix my face. I know it doesn’t make up for what I did, and it doesn’t bring Mr Peterson back, but … I want you to know that I’m going to change.’
She waited, straining her ears for any sound of acknowledgement.
‘Alfie, I’m going to be better, I promise.’
She heard him take a breath.
Her heart rose slightly.
She knew he’d still be there, like he’d always promised.
‘Well, good for you.’ His sarcasm coated every word.
Alice felt her heart fall through the floor.
I’m sorry, Alfie. I’m so, so sorry.
*
It turned out living in silence wasn’t that fun any more. Alfie still hadn’t so much as breathed in her direction since Mr Peterson’s death, and in fact the entire ward seemed to have descended into an eerie stillness. The only signs that there was life beyond her curtains were the faint shuffling of feet and nondescript noises of human existence. Grief had made its home here and there was no sign of it leaving. Even Nurse Angles was struggling to find a smile.
‘Morning, Alice. I have some good news.’ There was not one shred of joy in her voice. ‘Mr Warring has confirmed the date of your surgery. You’re scheduled for eight days’ time.’
Wow. That soon?
‘Amazing, thank you so much.’ Alice’s cheeks hurt from her overcompensating smile. ‘I’m also so sorry for your loss. Mr Peterson was a good man and I know how much he meant to you.’
