46
Alfie
He didn’t know what was more exhausting, waking up after a night of vivid dreaming or waking up after having a late-night conversation with Alice. Both seemed to pull deeply at his heart and leave him more than a little drained. This morning, though, alongside the heavy tiredness there was a giddy feeling. An excitement that hummed deep inside his stomach. How much had she shared with him last night! He couldn’t believe how much she had opened up and also how very painful her life had been growing up. That story alone would explain the walls she’d put up and her deep-rooted independence. The mystery of Alice Gunnersley was slowing unravelling.
‘Morning, Alice. Mr Warring said he would be down to see you shortly. I wanted to let you know in case you needed more time to think.’ Nurse Angles didn’t even ask permission to go into her cubicle these days. Alfie watched as she walked straight in without thought or apology.
‘That’s fine, thank you.’ Her voice sounded thick with sleep.
Did this mean she knew what she was going to do?
Please, Alice. Don’t rush into this.
Luckily he didn’t have long to wait for the answers before the figure of Mr Warring appeared, striding down the ward. Was she really going to do this without Sarah here?
She’s not a child, Alfie.
He was panicking and he knew it.
‘Hello, Alice. It’s Mr Warring. May I come in?’
‘Sure.’ She was quiet; maybe some uncertainty had crept back in. Maybe she would ask for more time.
Alfie shifted his weight over again to listen in close.
‘So, it’s been a few days since we last spoke, and I wanted to get a sense of where you are with our conversation.’
Just say it bluntly, doctor. Do you want to undergo major surgery all over again for the sake of a few scars?
He knew he was being unfair but this anger was appearing out of nowhere.
‘I want the surgery and I want it as soon as possible.’
Her assurance was loud and clear. There was no hint of doubt.
‘OK then, we will get you scheduled in. I’ll let you know dates and we can talk details then.’
And so it was done.
He knew he couldn’t be here right now. If Alice dared to try and talk to him, he was afraid of what emotional outpouring would escape him. He needed space to breathe and to think and to be.
Hauling himself up, he reached for his prosthesis and attached it as quickly and quietly as possible. Now was not the time to draw attention to himself. Slowly, he extricated himself from the bed and was out of the ward without any word from Alice.
Somewhat unconsciously, he found himself standing outside in the courtyard again. This little patch of outdoors was quickly becoming a place of refuge for him. He made his way over to the swing bench in the corner and allowed himself to sink down and wallow in his thoughts.
There was one he couldn’t seem to let go of.
Why am I so against the surgery?
If he really cared about Alice, surely he would just want her to be happy?
Alfie closed his eyes and let the answers bubble up from within.
There they were, clear as day, the lifeless bodies of Ciarán and Ross staring up at him.
He couldn’t save them. Nearly every night, his dreams showed him how he had failed to save the two people in the world who had needed him most. Despite his best attempts, despite dragging his body across the road to reach them, he’d been too weak, too hurt, and too pathetic to get to them in time. He could have done more. He should have done more. For the rest of his life he would have to live with the knowledge he had let them down. Would protecting Alice somehow make up for his previous failings? Had his natural inclination to help morphed into something more intense? He knew the risks of surgery were small, but after the pain he’d endured he didn’t want any possibility of loss in his life, no matter how long the odds were. He couldn’t lose her. Not on his watch. He simply wouldn’t.
‘You all right, buddy?’
