‘What’s going on?’
‘What do you mean, what’s going on?’ Her eyebrows began to knit themselves together in the centre of her forehead.
‘With the lady in bed thirteen.’
Nurse Angles stopped her filing and turned to face him square on. ‘I told you she was traumatized, Alfie. Before she’d even got here I warned you.’
‘I know, but I guess I didn’t realize quite how badly. Surely this “shut everyone away until she finally ventures out into the big wide world” debacle can’t go on for ever.’
‘Really, Alfie? I’m surprised! I thought you of all people would be up for helping her come out of her shell.’
‘I am. I just don’t quite understand why she’s getting all this special treatment.’ He loathed how childish and spoilt he sounded.
‘It’s not your job to understand, Alfie. But if you really want to know, the poor girl hasn’t spoken a word since she got here, and to top it off she hasn’t had a single visitor either. Her emergency contact is all the way in Australia apparently, and nobody can get hold of her. There’s no one else, OK, Alfie. No one. So if it’s all right with you, we’ve taken the decision to give her some extra support.’
Nurse Angles had never spoken to him like this before. Her eyes were wide in defiance and her breathing had grown heavy. She looked like she was readying herself for a battle that not even Alfie was foolish enough to fight. The shame started to swell up into his chest.
‘No one has been to see her?’ The words were only just starting to sink in.
‘I shouldn’t have told you that. Sorry, I forgot myself for a second.’ She shook her head in frustration. ‘It’s just … she needs our help, and I’m trying to do the best I can.’
The exasperation in her voice hit him the hardest. The indestructible Mother A suddenly seemed so helpless and lost.
‘Trust me, if anyone is going to help her it’s you. She’s the luckiest person to have landed in your care, and I promise I’ll do whatever I can to support.’ He felt relief flood back into his body as he saw the smile return to her face.
‘Thank you, Alfie. Now get on your way. I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than accompany me round the ward.’
‘Oh yeah, you know me, too busy for my own good! The choice of activities in this place is justendless.’
‘Behave yourself, will you, and go! I’ve got work to do,’ she said shooing him away.
As he made his way back to his bay, he stared at the closed curtains of bed thirteen. The guilt bubbled up inside him, thick and heavy as tar, coating his chest and stomach.
‘Who are you?’ he whispered.
All he got in response was her silence.
11
Alice
Within an hour she was back in the safe confines of her bay. It had been an emotionally and physically exhausting sixty minutes, and Alice felt as broken as the day she’d woken up from her accident. Every muscle ached, but none more so than her heart. How would she ever be able to do this again, let alone every other week as the doctors had ordered?
‘You did great today, Alice. The first one is always going to be the hardest, but give it time. It will get easier, I promise,’ Nurse Angles cooed as she tucked her back into bed.
Alice closed her eyes and let the weight of her head hit the pillow.
‘If you need anything, you know where I am. Just buzz me, OK?’
The only thing Alice needed was to be alone. To try and erase that shameful hour of her life from her mind and pretend nothing had ever happened. If she’d thought the journey to physio was mortifying, then the actual act of doing it was on a whole other level. Trying to standunassisted was impossible. Moving further than three inches was a no go. How had she regressed to this? Any ounce of ego she may have had left had been officially squashed. Any self-respect or dignity she’d clung on to had been firmly ripped out of her grasp. She’d become so weak, so fragile. All that remained of her was an empty shell, ready to be blown over by the lightest breeze. Every time she moved, the entire left side of her body would protest. The skin would pull at the seams, and at any moment Alice was certain she’d tear apart. It was as though someone was rubbing her down with razor blades, peeling away layers of her until she was reduced to nothing.
Luckily the rest of the day passed like clockwork. It turned out that this ward followed a very similar routine to the one she’d come from. In fact, practically everything about the place was the same. As she was being wheeled across to physio, she’d been able to take her first proper look at the space in daylight. There were the same beige walls, the same plastic furniture, the same harsh strip lighting. There were the same eight beds, four on either side of the room, each separated by the same blue cloth curtains that offered as much privacy as a piece of paper. Every room was a near perfect replica of the one next to it, all designed with the sole intention of being sterile and inoffensive. Unfortunately there was nothing inoffensive about the smell that lingered. It was a heady mix of human effluence and bleach, as though someone was desperately trying to clean away the sweat, blood and tears that exuded from the inhabitants. It turned out grief, fear and death weren’t easy to remove. Thankfully sleep came quickly that night, gathering her up in its arms and taking her away from the reality of her day. In her dreams she could slot easily back into her old life, with herfunctioning limbs and smooth unblemished skin. For those few hours Alice could be free at last.
*
‘Cornflakes for breakfast again this morning. The most boring cereal on the planet.’
Alice stirred, roused by a voice coming from the bed next to her. It was soft and almost gentle, just loud enough for her to hear. There was lightness to its tone, a boyish mischief that sang of careless days and freedom. Maybe she was still dreaming – surely no one could feel anything but despair in a place like this.
