– Eat lunch
– Go to reception
– Eat dinner
– Message one person
How basic could it get? But even these tiny, simple tasks felt unbelievably difficult. The anxiety that would consume her from simply walking to the lift was enough to render her speechless. Those three metres felt like three miles on some days.
The first trip she’d taken in broad daylight had been a huge milestone. Remembering it now still sent faint shivers of anxiety through her body.
You can do this, Alice.
It’s just out of the door, into the lift, outside, and back up.
Simple.
If it was so goddam simple then why did it feel like she was about to run a marathon, blindfolded, with a gun to her head?
It took four attempts to open the door, five to step outside, and three to actually get in the lift and down, but eventually Alice found herself at the front desk staring into the face of Rita, the new concierge.
‘How may I help you, Miss?’
There was staring but no repulsion.
Maybe she’s a very good actress.
Or maybe she doesn’t care?
‘Can I help you?’ Rita prompted again.
Alice realized that in factshewas the one who was staring blankly at this woman.
‘Any post for flat twenty?’
‘Let me check. One moment.’
The instant her back was turned, Alice wanted to run. She could have got an emergency phone call; she could have forgotten something important upstairs. Maybe she could say she’d left the gas on?
You are insane, Alice. Wait!
Then, just like that, Rita was back – with no post and still no judgement on her face.
‘Nothing for you today, Miss Gunnersley.’
Relief swept through her. Imagine if she’d had to take a parcel from her hand? God, no. She couldn’t stand the thought of a stranger having to touch her just yet.
You let Alfie touch you.
That was different.
Was it?
Yes. Now stop thinking about him.
‘Thanks.’ She’d gone before the word had actually left her mouth.
Back in the safety of the flat, she couldn’t quite believe how hard her heart was beating. The fear was still bubbling under the surface of her skin and every nerve felt as though it had been cut open and exposed. But amidst the chaos, Alice realized that buried away in the corner of her chest was a tiny shard of pride glowing ever so slightly. She’d done it. Step one on her road to recovery completed, and Alice felt like a small child who had written her name for the very first time.
