“Help me!” cried Mama. “I cannot breathe.”
She promptly put her hand to her chest and began to fall backwards. Lydia staggered under the full impact of Mama’s weight as she crumpled, but managed to lower her—with great difficulty—to the ground.
“Oh, Mr. Collins!! You must summon the physician at once,” said Lydia, acting her role with conviction because it would tear Mr. Collins away from Lizzy.
“But I have not finished my speech,” he whined. “I—”
Mr. Collins was still kneeling and looking discomposed at having his speech interrupted. He simply stared, eyes bulging. He looked so ridiculous Lydia started to giggle, but she managed to hold it back just in time. And now Lizzy was running over to Mama and kneeling next to her. She would find out Mama was pretending, and she was such a pudding head, she would ruin everything. Lydia had to stop her.
“Mr. Collins, you must fetch the apothecary at once! Mama is taken ill!” What had Mama asked her to say? A heart problem? Breathing? No, that did not sound serious enough. She needed something that sounded truly alarming to get that lump Mr. Collins to do something.
Apoplexy. She didn’t know what it was, but apoplexy was very serious. People always spoke about it in hushed tones.
She felt proud of herself for thinking of it.
“Apoplexy! Oh, you must hurry, sir.”
“Surely not?” said Elizabeth. “But look, she is moving—oof!”
A kick in the back was enough to stop her silly sister from spoiling everything.
Mr. Collins’ eyes widened at Elizabeth’s exclamation. He finally staggered to his feet.
He was still looking dazed. Really, was the man completely useless? When she married him, she would have to take him in hand.
She made little shooing gestures at him as Elizabeth continued to feel Mama’s pulse, her head lowered.
“Quickly, Mr. Collins,” said Lydia, bursting into loud sobs. “You must fetch a doctor, before her heart gives way. And to think it has happened when there is no man in the house. We have only you. Papa is away. Oh, what shall we do? We are quite helpless.”
“Fear not, Cousin,” said Mr. Collins, clasping her hand and giving it a squeeze. She used the opportunity to swing her ringlets in his direction, so that they brushed against his face, and she bent over to allow him a view of what Mr. Carter had called her prized possessions. She felt a flush of triumph when Mr. Collins’ eyes slid in that direction, then slid away.
She felt a glow of triumph. “I will make sure she will receive the best care. Have no fear, Cousin Lydia! You will not suffer a lack of male protection.”
Mr. Collin beamed. It was entirely inappropriate under the circumstances, but Lydia was thrilled. She was making excellent progress.
“I knew I could count on you, Mr. Collins,” she said, with a grateful smile. “Now you must fetch the apothecary at once, sir. Hurry!”
“But a servant—”
“The servants cannot be spared; besides, no one listens to them. Please?”
“Of course,” said Mr. Collins, “I will go post-haste.”
At this point Mama started to groan loudly. Lydia gave Mr. Collins a push and ushered him out of the door, then rushed to the window. She watched as Mr. Collins gave orders to have a horse saddled, then, as he rode away, she turned to Mama.
“You can stop now, Mama,” said Lydia. “He is gone.”
Mrs. Bennet stopped groaning and sat up.
“Thank goodness! I thought he would never leave!”
***
ELIZABETH DROPPED MRS. Bennet’s hand and sprang to her feet. She had no idea what game Mama and Lydia were playing, but she resented being part of it.
“What is the meaning of this?”
“La! Our ploy fooled even you, Lizzy!” said Lydia, twirling around and laughing.
