“These are my greatest shame. I did this. I made the choice, even if at the time I felt like all my choices were stripped from me. Anything else might embarrass me or upset me, but it won’t weigh me down, because it’s not my shame to carry.”
He gets to his feet with the aid of G, even as the man curses him to take it easy. We stand in front of each other, a step away from touching, and yet we might as well be a million miles apart.
Our lives are connected in ways that will never let us separate completely, but the ties that bound us are so distressed and frayed they’re too fragile to draw strength from. The damage was of his making. But in the same respect, it’s him holding on now, looking like his heart has taken a beating from the secrets he kept, and I’m standing here, willing to hear him out. I loved him once, like a little girl would look up to her big brother. When he threw me out, he made me feel unlovable, and it scared me in many ways deeper than Lee’s betrayal.
He reaches for me, and I hold strong, beating back my fear as his large hands cover my scars. “No, these scars are my shame to carry. I thought I was freeing you. I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t say anything, didn’t know then who I could trust. And then you were gone and I prayed to god you’d stay away. That you’d never know.”
“Know what Blade?”
Kruger moves up behind me, steadying me with his hands on my waist, but Blade doesn’t let go of me. If anything, his grip tightens, like he needs the connection to get through this next part.
“I knew about the miscarriages. We all did. It was so fucking hard watching you dream big only to see you shrink smaller with every baby you lost. I think, like most of us, we felt so fucking helpless. Snake said to let you be, to give you space to grieve because it’s what you needed. I hated that too, but you asked for so little.”
He blows out a shaky breath as I try to remember if I asked Lee to keep everyone at arm’s length for me. I don’t recall, and it stirs something inside of me, something dark that had remained buried until now.
“When you got further along with your son than you had with the others, I was so hopeful for you. I kept it quiet, but that didn’t mean I didn’t think about you every single day. And then he was gone, and we lost you, too. They didn’t know, and I was bound by the promise to keep your secret. And how could I not?”
“You know why I wasn’t at the clubhouse that night. You knew I was oblivious to Snake’s actions, so why? Why did you do that to me when I needed you more than ever?” I feel the tears slip free and am shocked to see them mirrored back at me in Blade’s eyes.
“When they took me—Bear and Snake—they taunted me with all the shit that had happened right under my nose, pointing out what a useless president I was and why this coup was necessary. I let most of it go over my head. And then Bear played me a video.”
I feel that darkness spread further, seeping into my bones, infecting my bloodstream.
His eyes slip closed for a minute. When he opens them again, all I see is vicious anger and hate, only it’s not at me. It’s for me.
“Snake filmed himself having sex with you.”
I flinch, but I don’t pull away, even though I feel the darkness rushing up the back of my throat.
“It was clear you were unconscious. As you don’t really drink, it was easy to assume he was drugging you. Especially when the next video showed another brother having sex with you.”
I jerk back so hard, if it weren’t for Kruger, I’d have ended up on the floor.
“Alright, everyone out—” Havoc starts, but I shake my head.
“No, they can stay. Stay!” I screech when they continue to move. Everyone freezes before looking to Havoc, who nods.
“How many?” I whisper to Blade.
“There were dozens of videos?—”
“How many men? How many men did my husband let rape me?”
I can’t hear people’s reactions to my words as the darkness spreads, making my fingertips and lips go numb.
“Fifteen,” he whispers.
“He was my first,” I choke out. “I thought he was my only. And every day I was talking with and laughing with men who had been inside me, and I didn’t even know.”
I hear Kruger growling as his arms band tightly around me.
“Who?”
“Don’t. Knowing will only hurt you more. Please trust me on this. I promise you, none of them will ever hurt you again. The ones that didn’t die that night—I hunted them down and killed them later. And I made sure they knew exactly why they were dying.”
“You made her leave because at the time, you didn’t know who else might have been involved,” Havoc says gently.
Blade nods. “Had to keep you away while I made sure. I didn’t want to risk someone trying to clean up the mess left behind.”
