“I’ll buzz you up.”
I do just that, muttering to myself about grumpy bastards and bossy bitches. I unlock the door, ready for them, and head to the kitchen to pour coffee. I doctor mine the way I like it and wait for them to arrive. A brief knock has me bracing before the door opens. Circus walks in first, his eyes meeting mine over the rim of my coffee cup as I take a sip.
“Hey, there’s coffee and food. Help yourselves.”
Capone walks in behind him, giving me the once-over before nudging Circus out of the way. He stops in front of me. “If I hug you, will you punch me in the dick?”
“One way to find out.”
He reaches for me. I instinctively step back, then feel myself flush with embarrassment.
“Shit, sorry. Instinct.”
He looks sad at that, making me feel like a bitch. But what’s the point in lying to them?
“We’d love to get this place fixed up the way you want it, but we understand if you feel more comfortable going with another crew,” Circus says, moving into the room.
I sigh, putting my cup down as I grab clean ones for them, as well as the pot of coffee. I hold it up and wait for them to nod before pouring a cup each.
“I don’t think you’ll screw me over…” I drift off, unsure how to finish, but Capone clearly gets it.
“As long as you’re with Kruger. You think if things don’t work out with him, we’ll fuck you over.”
“Not necessarily fuck me over. But your loyalty is to him, always. If we have a bad breakup, I’ll be stuck because I’m unsure if anyone else will finish what you started. You mightblacklist me, which would make it impossible for me to get a crew out here.
“Are we really that much of bastards you’d think that?” Circus whispers.
I move away, putting the table between us. “No. I don’t know, guys. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I want you to say you know we won’t do that.”
But I can’t, so I don’t.
Capone scrubs his hand over his face. “How about we talk first? Maybe clear the air a little.”
I’d rather have naked hugs with a cactus. “Okay. Let’s sit in the living room. You guys want any pastries?”
Capone shakes his head. “I’m good for now.”
Circus gives me a thumbs up as he shoves a whole one in his mouth. I snort but grab my coffee and head for the living room, claiming a spot on the end of the sofa. I kick off my shoes and tuck my feet under me.
“Want us to start?” Circus asks when he’s finished eating.
I nod, sipping my drink.
“I know you’re expecting us to excuse our actions. And yeah, maybe there were contributing factors that made us act in a way we normally wouldn’t have, but it doesn’t matter. We lashed out and hurt you. There’s no explaining that away. So much was going on. Too much. If we’d just taken a second, we’d have known we’d fucked up right away. But all I could think about was Lil, and the kids, and Blade, who was in rough shape himself.”
“We hadn’t seen you in so long. And then suddenly you were there, demanding answers, acting like you cared when it hadn’t seemed that way lately,” Capone adds, holding up his hand when I prepare to explain.
“I know why now. But Snake kept giving us the runaround. Whether by design or by accident, he made it seem like you had no interest in the clubhouse anymore, and by default, thebrothers. Hell, half the brothers were thinking you wanted a divorce but Snake was refusing to give you one.”
I put my cup on the table and pull a cushion into my lap just so I have something to hold on to. “I don’t know what to say. Because on one hand, I owe you nothing. My son died, and I was so lost in my grief that just taking a shower seemed like a monumental thing. The thought of being around the club when you’re all so full of life and laughter was more than I could handle. I needed to wallow. I needed to lie in the dark and scream ‘why’ at the sky until my throat was hoarse. I didn’t want people to try to make me feel better. If I had to hear shit like ‘it wasn’t meant to be,’ or ‘he was in a better place,’ I’d have drawn my gun and straight up murdered someone. I know you would have meant well, but the frame of mind I was in… Let’s just say I was in a very dark place and I didn’t want anyone to bring me out of it. I wanted someone to sit in the dark with me.” I admit the last part out loud, something I wasn’t planning to say. As amazing as Lee was, he didn’t know how to deal with my grief any more than he did his own. He tried, and under the circumstances, I don’t think he could have done any better.
Circus moves to sit on the table in front of me as Capone sits next to me on the sofa, making me feel penned in. The urge to flee hits me, but I fight against it. They won’t hurt me, even if it’s just out of respect for Kruger.
“See, you just flinched. That’s what I’m talking about.”
“What can we do or say to make it better?” Capone asks from beside me.
