My heart sinks, aches, shatters—it all around hurts. I run a hand through my hair and stand up, taking a walk around the room. I clear my throat before looking back to her. “So I’m guessing you guys … shared a room?”
She nods, her face somber, like she doesn’t even want to admit it. The heaviness that settles in my chest is unbearable. I need a second to comprehend it all, to come to terms and not overreact again.
I let out a sharp breath and run a hand down my face. I hate that thought, the idea, I hate it all.
“You’re allowed to be upset with me.” She fidgets with her hands more urgently, her hair falling forward, hiding her face from me. “You’re allowed to be mad, Jess,” she mutters.
My jaw tightens, and a burning sensation crawls up my neck. I don’t want to be mad at her. It’s not going to change the past; being angry about this is a waste of time. Disappointed, though? I admit, I’m disappointed. But that’s all.
“I’m not mad, Ella. Was it just him?” I hold my breath.
She closes her eyes and nods, still not looking up at me. “Yeah.”
“What about college?”
“No. I was way too focused on school.”
“Right.” I slowly pace around the room again, feeling her watch me now. I don’t know what else to really say, this is just something I have to cope with and get over. The only thing shecouldsay right now to make it better is “just kidding” but I think the chance of that happening is pretty slim.
“I take it there was no one after me … ?” Her tone is nervous, like she’s afraid to even ask me.
I tuck in my lips and shake my head. “Nobody. I went out with a few girls over the years, but most never even led to asecond date, let alone…” My voice trails off.
“A one-night stand,” she finishes.
“Not in my blood.”
“I know.” She mutters.
I walk back to the couch and sit down, letting out another sigh, but there’s no relief to follow like I’d hoped.
“It’s gonna take me a minute to—”
“Forgive me?”
I push a hand though my hair. I want to be careful about how I say things and how she might take it. “Look, the relationship we had back then, that’s the past,” I point out. She nods. “ If we want to move forward, build this up even stronger than it was before, we’re going to have to try really hard to not fall into those old habits.”
“Right.”
“You agree?”
“Yeah … I know it’s the right thing to do, I know how I was living before I came back here wasn’t right. Deep down I knew it, and I didn’t care,” she admits. The shakiness to her voice reveals her vulnerability. I scoot over to sit with her.
“Hey.” My voice drops to just above a whisper. “At least you can recognize and want to change it.” I sling an arm around her neck and press a kiss to her temple. “That’s what’s important.”
“With your help …” she mutters.
“That’s what I’m here for, sweetheart.” I watch the corners of her mouth tug up into a small smile. Turning toward me, her eyes brighten and she brushes her soft lips against mine for a kiss. And just like that, my worries, frustration, disappointment, start to fade out.
Chapter 17
Jesse
Two months have passed since Ella dropped the bomb about her engagement and the fact that they were living together. I don’t love the thought of her having gone to bed with another guy. I want to be the one waking up and doing life with her, hopefully in the near future, but I’m trying to stay positive and move forward. She’s not with him anymore, she’s with me, so I think I win.
Things have felt great between us. She’s been able to relax more, be herself without feeling the need to keep secrets from me.
We had a fun and peaceful Christmas and New Year’s together. I got her a TV for her living room since she still didn’t have one. Her gift to me was practically a whole new wardrobe, insisting it was time to retire the shirts I’ve had since high school. I told her she was the only one who’d notice and it didn’t really matter, but she still insisted.
