“You’re serious?” His voice is low. I stare down at my fingers fidgeting together in my lap.
Letting out a defeated sigh, I start, “Jesse, I didn’t—”
“Don’t,” he cuts in, his tone sharp. “Don’t give me some bullshit excuse, Ella. Why didn’t you just tell me?”
I look over at him. There’s hurt in his eyes. A hurt I’ve never seen before.
I force myself to finish explaining. “I didn’t plan on getting in. I also can’t help that my dad’s getting stationed there.”
“Why can’t you just stay and go to school here like you originally planned?!” His voice is raised.
Hating that he’s this mad at me, I try my hardest to keep myvoice steady. “I already got accepted, Jess. If I wouldn’t have, I was going to stay. But … I start in August.”
He shakes his head and flicks ash from his cigarette out the window. “Of course it’s already a done deal. You didn’t even think to talk to me first!” he shouts.
I feel tears forming and my lip starts trembling. I hate this, I can’t even breathe.
“I just can’t believe this. After everything we’ve talked about, you’re just gonna leave.”
The truck goes silent for a minute before he continues.
His voice calmer, he looks at me. “We talked about getting married, Ella.”
Those words punch me in the gut. He’s right. We were planning a future together, mapping out a life that felt so perfect and sure. But what was I supposed to do? Stay here for him and live halfway across the country from my family? I’m eighteen but I don’t want to live that far away from them. I wasn’t even going to live on campus; the plan was to commute.
My chest tightens with guilt. “Babe, you know I love you,” I whisper. “But I can’t sacrifice my dreams for you.” A tear escapes down my cheek.
The laugh he lets out is cold. “But if roles were reversed? You’d expectmeto. Right? That’s how this works? Tell me I’m wrong.”
His words hurt, but there’s truth in there. I feel terrible for letting it happen like this. I should’ve told him, but I honestly didn’t think I’d get accepted down there. I thought I’d have to stay here and live on campus. That’s not what I wanted though and deep down Iamhappy.
Tears continue to build in me rapidly. “We can make it work.”
“No. Ella, I’m not doing that.” He shakes his head. “I’ll drivemyself crazy not being able to see you. I can’t.”
My heart shatters into a million pieces as the reality for us sets in.
“Please just try it. Please,” I beg.
“I don’t want to.” His eyes are glassy with tears too. I can’t hold mine in anymore. I get out of his truck and start walking.
“Ella,” Jesse calls, his voice uneven, broken. “Ella Kate. Get back in the truck.”
I shake my head; that’s the last thing I’ll do. Sadness burns inside me and my chest pinches, but beneath it all, there’s still a love for him so deep it’s impossible to ignore. And that makes it hurt even more.
End of flashback
Jesse shakes his head. “I’m sorry for how I acted back then. I was a jerk, I was stubborn.”
“You’re not the only one to blame. I shouldn’t have kept it from you,” I confess.
“I can’t sit here and say that would’ve changed the outcome, though. If anything, it would’ve made the decision to break up happen faster.”
“Oh.” I look down at my hands, and a lump forms in my throat. That wasn’t exactly what I thought he’d say.
“I just …” He sighs. “I didn’t want to do long distance, El. That’s what my issue was.”
My voice sharpens, laced with the pain I’ve carried for so long. “It would’ve been better than calling it quits. I mean …”—I pause—“ you didn’t eventry.You made me feel like I wasn’t worth anything. Because, if I wasn’t worth it for you, I couldn’t be worth it for anyone.”
