“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks quietly.
I bark out another harsh laugh. “Tell you what, and when, Cal? While she was happily married? You’d have kicked my ass. After her husband died? Yeah, hard no. While she was in labor? Fuck, I’d have kicked my own ass.”
He snorts a laugh, nodding. “I guess you’re right.” Bending low, he picks up his ax, twisting it between his gloved hands. “What are you going to do?”
“Fuck if I know,” I mutter, digging in again. “She’s still messed up over Logan’s death, and I don’t blame her. She shouldn’t be with someone that heads out and puts themselves in danger for a fucking living. She deserves to have someone there with her, someone to take care of her and those kids, someone she doesn’t have to worry about.”
“And that’s not you?”
“That’s a version of me that I’m not sure I’m ready for yet,” I answer honestly, grunting as I work around a particularly heavy rock. “Hanging up my helmet and putting this down?” I gesture to my ax, then shake my head. “This is all I know. I can’t make her any promises because we all know how quickly this job can turn. I made my dad a promise and I’m bound to honor that first.”
“But for how long?” Cal asks. “How long until you feel that you’ve sacrificed enough of yourself to this career before you can walk away and not feel guilty about it?”
“I can’t walk away,” I mutter. “That’s what makes this so damn hard, Cal. I can’t walk away from this, no matter how much she might want me to. I love her… but I love this, too. I’m not ready to walk away. Not yet. My dad gave up his family to make sure he was here to do this job. I can’t just walk away from this when he gave his life to make sure we got out of that fire. To make sureyougot out of that fire.”
He nods solemnly. It’s been six years since my dad died, but those wounds live deep. I think Cal suffered worse than I did after his death, having watched it happen. I’d probably have nightmares, too, if it had been me. Instead, I’d been halfway down that fucking mountain with the first half of my crew, with the assumption that Cal and my dad would be right behind me.
But only Cal had come back down off that mountain. He’d had to break the news to me, to tell me what had happened, his eyes haunted and his voice breaking with emotion.
We both understand the dangers of this job and go in each time with the knowledge that no matter how well trained we are, anything can happen. But that’s a risk we all understand and have accepted as part of the job.
That doesn’t change the fact that I will move heaven and earth to make sure I get back to her. I will claw my way through hell to make it back to her every time. To make sure I get to holdher in my arms for another day, another night. Now that I’ve had a taste of what life is like with her in it, I’ll fight tooth and nail to keep it.
As if reading my thoughts, Cal sighs and looks over at me.
“Teddy is probably the strongest woman I know… but I don’t know that she’s strong enough to handle this,” he says quietly, sadly, shaking his head. It’s a fear I’ve had myself. She’s this incredible mix of strength and fragility. That sense of protectiveness that I’ve felt for her for so long has only multiplied. Cal claps me on the shoulder, squeezing tightly as he says roughly, “So you better make sure you know what you’re doing, Sup. Make it home to her every fucking time, because I can’t watch her go through that again.”
Emotion tightens my throat, and all I can do is nod, a silent promise to do my best.
Checking my reflection in the full-length mirror in the corner of my bedroom one more time, I squeeze my eyes shut and take several slow, long breaths in and out. My heart feels like it’s choking me, it’s climbed so high in my throat. Nervous energy races through me like I’ve just shot gunned several Red Bull cans back-to-back. I’m twitchy and anxious.
Opening my eyes, I smooth my hands over my body. A soft, fluttery black blouse is buttoned over my breasts and tucked into high waisted, wide-legged black slacks that hug my hips and make my butt look good. I have a body slimmer beneath it, smoothing out my mom-tummy and keeping all my wobbly bits in check. A light, dusty blue blazer covers my arms and highlights my waist, though I leave it unbuttoned due to the heat. I’m starting to think this heatwave will never cease.
I pulled my hair up into a clip on the back of my head, face framing tendrils left to flutter against my cheeks. My makeup is simple and chic. A pair of pointed-toe suede flats in a color that perfectly matches my blazer are on my feet. I’m probably overdressed, but an interview is an interview, and I desperately want to make sure I make a good impression.
I nod at my reflection and mutter to myself, “It’s an interview, Teddy, not your execution.”
It doesn’t help, but at least I tried.
Leaving the safety of my bedroom, the hard soles of my shoes click on the linoleum in the kitchen as I enter. Colleen looks up from the bag of groceries she’s unloading on my counter and smiles wide, then holds up one hand and circles her finger. I laugh, doing a slow spin to show her the entire outfit.
“That color blue is just stunning on you,” she says, beaming. Penny and Dalton are at school, and Bea is currently rolling around on the floor for some tummy time with several toys.
“Thank you,” I murmur, blushing. I pick up my purse and sling it over my shoulder, then sigh and put it back down. “I don’t think I need my giant diaper bag purse to go to an interview.”
“Just take your wallet and your keys. That’s all you need. And I better not see you back here for at least three hours.”
“What? Why? If an interview lasts that long there’s something fishy going on, Colleen,” I mutter, laughing.
“Go get your nails done, go to lunch, go to the bookstore and get yourself a new book or two,” Colleen says, waving her hand dismissively. “I don’t care what you do. Just don’t come back right away.”
I hug her tightly. “You really are the best,” I whisper, then pull back, holding her by the shoulders. “But you know better than that.”
“I’ll kick your fine-looking rear right back out of this house,” she teases lightly, pushing me away. “Now get, go get a coffee before you have to be there.”
I laugh out loud, shaking my head. “I definitely don’t need a coffee. I already feel like I’m going to buzz right out of my skin as it is.”
“Well, nonetheless, get out of here. I’m going to teach Bea how to make a lasagna.”
