Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, I count to five. It’s just Xander. He’s my neighbor. My brother’sbest friend. My brother’sboss. All he did was mow my lawn. It’s not a marriage proposal, for crying out loud.
I groan into my hands, shaking my head in dismay at myself, my thoughts heading straight into the gutter. “Ohmygod,” I grumble miserably, my words muffled by my hands still.
Dropping my hands and staring into the mirror over the sink, I remind myself I am a mature adult woman—a widow, for crying out loud—with three children to take care of. I can’t afford distractions. Especially when they come in the form of Superintendent Xander Macomb.
When I return to the kitchen, Xander is standing at the kitchen counter with Colleen while he drinks a glass of ice water. I don’t pay attention to the way his throat works with each swallow, or the way his fingers clasp around the glass, the muscles in his forearm bunching and shifting with each movement. Penny is sitting on top of the peninsula bar top, her legs criss-crossed. I focus on that instead.
“Penny, is that where bums go?” I ask, stopping at the counter.
“Ummm…” she giggles, glancing at Colleen, who I catch winking at my terror of a toddler. I shake my head as I roll my eyes where they can’t see. “No?”
“That sounds an awful lot like a question,” I mutter. I glare at her playfully, making her giggle more. “Get your bum off the counter, please.”
Xander sets his glass down and catches her beneath her armpits, sweeping her up and off the counter like an airplane before setting her in one of the high back stools pulled up against the tall countertop.
“That’s my bad, Mama, I set her down up here,” he explains, turning his head to wink at me. I nod, though I do my best to keep my shoulders straight and not hunch in on myself like I’m so used to doing nowadays. Especially around Xander.Especially when he uses that word. He has to know what it does to me.
Actually, I’m fairly certain he knows exactly what that does to me and does it on purpose.
That intense gaze that I swear to God can see straight into my soul pierces me, and the understanding that flashes there as he stares at me wrecks me. He’s a good man, I can feel it in my soul. But… I can’t do this. He turns back to Penny, ruffles her hair gently, then addresses Colleen.
“Thank you so much for the water. I should head next door. I don’t want to stink up Teddy’s house anymore than I already have, and I really should get some sleep.”
My mother-in-law pats his forearm and smiles at him kindly. “You don’t stink, but you should definitely go get some sleep. The lawn looks perfect. And it was so nice to see you again. Teddy, be a doll and walk him to the door,” Colleen insists, picking Penny up and balancing her on her hip. “I think I hear Bea waking up.”
I glare at the back of her head as she walks away, knowing full well she’s lying out her ass about hearing Bea. The traitor.
Clutching my arms across my waist, I smile at Xander and we head toward the door together. Stepping out onto the patio, I sigh heavily.
“I’m so sorry,” I laugh, gesturing back into the house. “They mean well but they’re meddlers.”
“It’s very apparent that they love you,” he says gently, stepping down off the main porch and onto the paved walkway. “I’m glad you have them.”
“Me too,” I murmur, smiling. Wrapping my arms around my middle tighter, I do the thing and hunch in on myself when those eyes of his find their way back to me. His gaze unnerves me, so I babble, “I’m glad you made it back safely?—”
“Stop doing that,” he whispers roughly, those eyes boring into my own. I swear he sees too much of me.
“Stop doing what?” I ask, my throat tight. I swallow hard.
He waves at me as a whole, generalizing around my middle, where my arms are crossed. “That. Folding in on yourself. Like you’re trying to hide or shrink or something.”
I drop my arms to my sides, my heart hammering in my chest at the roughness in his voice. It’s raw and dangerous and fuck me, it’s thrilling. I hate it. I don’t want to like it as much as I do.
He steps up onto the patio once more, until we’re close again. “I meant what I said before I left, Teddy. Don’t think for one fucking minute that I haven’t spent the last two weeks replaying every second of seeing your body on display like that, or remembering the way you sound…” Heat creeps up my neck as he continues huskily, “You are… you’re fucking perfect, Teddy. I hope you know that.”
Oh god. This is so bad. So dangerous. For me, my kids, my very breakable heart. Possibly his face, if Cal isn’t as chill about it as Scottie seems to think. Because I’m not sure I’m ready to date again, and I can’t do casual. “Xander…”
“Don’t,” he breathes, almost beseechingly. His sky-blue eyes are tortured as he stares down at me. “I know. It’s okay. You don’t have to say it. I just… I want you to know that I’m here. And I see you, sweetheart. Every fucking part of you, beautiful.”
My teeth clamp over my bottom lip as he turns and strides away, disappearing out of sight.
After the world's longest shower, I’m certain I fell into a coma for the next seven hours. I laid down in bed and woke up as the late afternoon sun was blazing through my bedroom window. I don’t think I ever moved once I’d fallen asleep. My neck was stiff before, but now every move is like an electric shock down my spine. I do my best to stretch it out, but it doesn’t do much to help. An IcyHot patch and a beer make me feel a little better, though.
I check my phone, noting several messages from King and Cal that make me smile. It sounds like Teddy, Violette, and Scottie hung out last night at a local hotel and got drunk on whisky and fucking hard seltzers—not my idea of a great combination, but to each their own—and they’re apparently both hungover today. Violette is scheduled to work at Shifty’s tonight according to King, and Scottie is on call. I almost feel bad for them, but I don’t. The light that had shone in Teddy’s pretty gray eyes this morning when she’d gotten home had made me strangely happy, too. She deserved to have that time for herself. And I’ll be honest, I’m glad she was with Vi and Scottie.
Cal asks if I’m coming out to Shifty’s with the crew later, butI decline. He sends me a GIF of Chandler Bing pantomiming using a whip with the caption ‘WHOOP-AH!’. I roll my eyes, and then another GIF comes through, this one of Bugs Bunny with the heart eyes. I send a text back of a middle finger emoji, then click my phone off.
Padding out into the kitchen, I flip through the pile of mail I’d tossed onto the table earlier, stopping at a small yellow manilla envelope with my brother’s handwriting across the front. I open the mailer and pull a second envelope out. It’s a simple, white, letter sized envelope with nothing but my name across it in my dad’s untidy scrawl.
