“Is it enough to get through one single, solitary night?” she insists.
I sigh, shaking my head in defeat. “Yes.”
“And do you not trust Gram and Grampa to watch the babies?”
I roll my eyes. Now she’s just being dramatic to be funny, so I play along. “Not even for a second.”
“Excellent. Ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner it is then.”
A laugh bubbles out of me as I sink into one corner of the couch. “Thank you. The kids will be excited to see you both. And I could use a hug.”
“Oh, my sweet girl,” Colleen murmurs, switching from lighthearted and teasing to sincere. “What’s going on?”
I swallow past the emotion clogging my throat, laughing self-deprecatingly. “It’s silly, honestly.”
“If it makes you upset, it’s not silly,” she says gently.
Taking a deep breath in, I let it out slowly. “I got a call from the local agency. They have an opening starting in October and have my application on file from when we moved. They asked me to come in for an interview… but I don’t know if I’m ready. If I’ll ever be ready to go back to that?—”
Tears burn my nose and fill my eyes. Dammit. I told myself I wouldn’t get emotional over this.
“I know I should go back to work. I’m almost at the end of my four months of maternity leave that I gave myself after Bea was born… I can’t live off the money from selling the house or—or Logan’s life insurance payout forever, and I don’t want you to think that that’s what I’m doing—” I rush to say. “I have most of it in high yield savings for the kids. I let myself keep out just enough to get through until after Bea was born?—”
“Teddy, you don’t have to explain any of this to me,” Colleen says gently. I sniffle and nod, though I know she can’t see it through the phone. “You’ve always been smart and responsible, and we know you will do what you think is best for you and those babies. You don’t have to justify anything to me. And if you’re not ready to go back to dispatch work, you can stay home for as long as you need to. Stay home until Penny goes to kindergarten. Heck, stay home until Bea starts school, for all I care. You will always have those kids and their best interest as your highest priority. We know that.”
I sense a but, and I’m not waiting long. I smile when she continues.
“…But, you need to make sure you are still finding a way to fulfillyourbest interests, too, Teddy. Find something that makes you happy, because you can’t pour from an empty cup.”
The tears slide down my cheeks and I swipe at them, blowing a breath out so that my cheeks puff out with the exhale. “I miss it,” I admit quietly. “I loved my job.”
“And you were great at it,” Colleen says.
“Until I wasn’t.” The admission comes out as a whisper.
“Teddy, you have to stop blaming yourself. No one else blames you, but you. How many other calls did you send Logan out on without trouble?”Hundreds.“You had no way of knowing what was going to happen. It was one of those horrible freak accidents. And I know that doesn’t make it any easier to accept, but it was. There was nothing that you did wrong, nothing that Logan did wrong. I will miss my son for the rest of my days, and you will miss him, too. Those babies will miss him. But him not being here is not your fault. Please tell me you know that. Have you been going to the grief counselor?”
“Not since Bea was born,” I admit sheepishly. I twiddle the hem of my shirt between my fingers. “I just haven’t had the time or energy to drive over.” It’s not far, barely a half an hour drive to our old hometown, where Logan’s parents still live. But it seemed like a herculean effort to find a sitter for all three kids or load them up to take them with and drop them off at Colleen and Kent’s home so I could continue to go to counseling.
“Don’t make me move us over there so I can make sure you’re taking care of yourself,” she threatens gently. I know she’s only half-joking. “Do you think you’ll at least go for the interview?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I want to. Lord knows I miss it. I’m just so scared. What if I mess up and I get someone else’s spouse or child killed? I’d never forgive myself.”
“You can’t continue to be afraid to go out andlive, sweet girl.”
I groan in defeat. Dammit I hate when she’s right. One thing about Colleen, she doesn’t rub things in, so she’s quick to change the subject, to which I’m grateful for.
“I’m sure we’ll talk before then, but I’ll see you next Friday, okay?”
“Okay, yes,” I laugh, my chest feeling just a little lighter than it did before she called. “Thank you, Mom.”
“You’re most welcome, Teddy. I’ll see you soon. Love you.”
“Love you, too. See you soon.” I hang up the call, but sit staring at my phone screen. Before I can chicken out, I dial Vi.
When she answers, she asks, “Is something wrong?”
“Does something need to be wrong for me to call you?” I ask, laughing.
