Funny thing was, I probably needed this moment of holding her and comfort more than she did. To ground myself again and remind me that she was here. She was going to be okay. And I would help her get through it.
Chapter Thirty-Five
LYLA
I setthe phone down on the table and let out a sigh. Kyle had given me the name of the therapist he saw, who specifically deals with PTSD. He’d explained that he still does therapy sessions from time to time, especially after losing a patient since that was a trigger for him.
I’d just made my first appointment.
Why didn’t I realize I was struggling? Did I just blindly ignore it? Kyle told me not to beat myself up, but shouldn’t I have recognized the problem?
Adam appeared in the doorway of the small conference room. After recovering from my panic attack and returning to the station, I didn’t want to be alone. More than that, I wanted to be near Adam. He made me feel safe. Seen and not judged. So,although I couldn’t stay on shift, after I showered and changed, I decided to hang around the station for the rest of the day until Adam was off.
“You ready to go?” Concern and almost something like guilt swirled in Adam’s irises as he approached me.
I’d overheard him earlier telling Zack that he should have known. That he should have done something. But it wasn’t his fault. If I wasn’t able to recognize what was going on, how could I have expected him to?
I nodded and stood, walking toward him. He opened his arms, and I melted into his embrace, inhaling his fresh, clean scent. “Don’t blame yourself,” I whispered, letting the beat of his heart ground me.
“One of the things I love about us is that I can always tell how you’re feeling or what you need.” He let out a deep sigh. “Except when it mattered the most.”
“But I wasn’t even sure how I was feeling or what I needed.” I hugged him tight. “And you were there to help me through it and bring me back. You knew exactly what I needed.”
He pulled back, cupping my face in his hands. “I’ll always be there for you.” His thumbs brushed along my cheeks and his gaze was like a soft caress as he stared at me. “I love you, Lyla.”
My lips parted on an inaudible gasp, but his declaration didn’t feel that surprising. Deep down. I knew it… and I felt the same. “I love you, too.”
His lips were warm and soft as they brushed tenderly against mine. My body relaxed, warmth and peace enveloping me. He broke the kiss, and after tucking me into his side, we walked toward the back of the building and out to the car.
He held my hand tightly as he drove the car toward the lodge. I probably needed to rip the Band-Aid off and go get my car. That should have been my first clue something wasn’t right—when I had no interest in getting behind the wheel of a car.
“You’re calm.” His words were barely a whisper.
I glanced over, tilting my head. I wasn’t sure how to respond.
He looked at me with a slight sigh. “You’re not at all anxious when we’re in the car together.”
I stared out the windshield at the road as he took the curves up the mountain with precision and ease. Did PTSD conform to a distinct set of rules? Or could it be triggered by random but specific stimuli. Adam was trying to make sense of it all, and I not only understood why he was, but I appreciated it too. I really didn’t have the answers either. But there was one thing I could offer.
“You make me feel safe.” I looked back over at him. “And I don’t worry because I’m confident you’re paying attention, that you have complete control of the car.”
I wasn’t worried when he was driving the ambulance either. I just knew. I trusted him.
He squeezed my hand before bringing it to his mouth and pressing his lips to my knuckles, sending zaps of pleasure shooting up my arm. I shifted in my seat as my mind started to imagine his mouth on other parts of my body.
“Did you want to grab something to eat before we head to our room?” he asked, startling me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah, I guess we probably should.”
As much as I wanted to head straight to the room and let him hold me, touch me, get lost in the feeling of being with him, neither of us had eaten since lunch. And even then, I’d barely had an appetite. Hopefully a quiet dinner, just the two of us, was exactly what I needed.
Beingwith Adam always made things better. No matter what we were doing. I smiled, pulling my hair to one side and twisting my curls into a braid. He’d ordered us a piece of the molten chocolate lava cake, bringing up the fact that I kept salivating over it every time we came, but never ordered it. I didn’t need the extra carbs and sugar, but after the day I’d had, I wasn’t going to say no.
I finished brushing my teeth and took one final look in the mirror. The cotton sleep tank hugged my breasts and cut low between them. Paired with the short sleep shorts, they were the sexiest pair of pajamas I’d packed.
I exited the bathroom and stopped short, gasping at what Adam had done. He sat in the middle of the mattress that he had placed on the floor in front of the now roaring fireplace, propping the cushions and pillows up against the sofa to act as a headboard. I scanned the room. The lights were off, but Adam had arranged tealight candles everywhere.
Emotions flooded me. I’d never had anyone do something so sweet and romantic for me before. But I couldn’t help giggling, thinking it would be my luck if they activated the fire alarms. Zack would never let us live it down.
