Boss wasn’t deterred. “You gonna tell me what happened between you two?”
Being put on the spot by Boss made him feel like a twelve-year-old who was seconds away from getting into trouble.
Taking a slow sip of beer, he tried to find the right words. Then he decided there were none. There was only the truth.
“We want different things, that’s all.” He shrugged and tried to act nonchalant even though talking about it caused his throat to go dry. He took another drink and welcomed the harsh taste of the hops. It matched the bitterness in his cold stone heart. “She wants a big BKI love like all you originals have, like Hunter and Grace have, like Sam and Hannah have. And I…” He trailed off, unsure of how to finish.
“You what?” Boss prodded.
“I can’t.”
Boss stared hard at him. Which was sort of like being stared down by a silverback gorilla. When it became clear Fisher wasn’t about to go on, Boss forced the issue. “Can’t or won’t?”
Fisher sighed. “If I’m being honest? Both.”
Boss took a slow sip of his beer, eyeing Fisher over the end of his bottle. Once he swallowed, he said, “You’re gonna need to give me more than that.”
Fisher debated the advisability of airing the piles of dirty laundry from his past. But eventually decided,Fuck it. If anyone will understand, it’s Boss. Boss who knowsexactlyhow dangerous guys like me can be even when wearen’tsaddled with hereditary jealousy.
He told Boss the same story he’d told Eliza about his parents. He went on to admit the way he was programmed to love wasn’t healthy. And he ended with, “I knew right from the start Eliza was dangerous for me. Because I liked her and respected her and thought she was the most beautiful woman on the planet. And the first time I saw her with another man, I wanted to walk over and gouge the sonofabitch’s eyes out. When she seemed to be gettin’ serious about Charles McClean, it took everything I had not to punch the bastard’s teeth in each time he opened his damn mouth around me.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Lord, when I saw that ring on her finger? Before I found out how it all went down at that cocktail party and how she hadn’t actually accepted McClean’s proposal? Ya know, when I thought she was goin’ to beMrs.McClean?” He took a sip of his beer because his voice had gone hoarse. Likely due to the lump suddenly lodged in his throat. “Man, I tell ya what. I wanted to break the world into a hundred pieces and then bury it where no one would ever find it. And if that isn’t fucked up, I don’t know what is.”
For a while after that pronouncement, they both sat in silence. Both staring into the orange and yellow flames. A knot in a log popped and sparks erupted into the air above the firepit like lightning bugs.
When Boss finally spoke, his deep voice was quiet. So quiet Fisher had to lean forward, elbows planted on his knees, to hear the big man.
“So what I’m hearing is you broke things off with Elizanotbecause you were scared she isn’t the one. But because you’re absolutely terrified she is.”
Fisher swallowed. The damn lump in his throat kept growing.
“She told me she loves me. She thought I was asleep, but I was fakin’ it. And she said…”
He couldn’t repeat what she’d said. It’d been too beautiful. Too painful. If he spoke those words aloud, he’d lose it, and the last thing he wanted was to break down and cry like a baby in front of Boss.
Shaking his head resolutely, he declared instead, “I had to end it. If I could love her the way she deserves, free of jealousy, free of obsession, free of all that toxic shit that runs in my blood, believe you me, brother, I’d have gone down on one knee then and there. But I can’t promise her that. No matter how much I wish I could.”
“Ah.” Boss nodded. “I think I’m starting to understand. But let me ask you this. Whydidn’tyou walk over and gouge that man’s eyes out? Whydidn’tyou punch Charlie McClean’s teeth in?”
Fisher’s chin jerked back. “Because, despite my most recent behavior, I trynotto be an asshole and take my frustrations out on innocent folks.”
Boss nodded again. “You know, one of the interesting things about us humans is we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions and everyone else by their actions.” When Fisher frowned, he continued. “If we hurt someone, especially someone we love, we always say to ourselves,but that wasn’t my intention.Whereas if someone hurts us, especially if that someone is supposed to love us, we don’t care what their intention was. All we care about is that their actiondidhurt, and we don’t want it to happen again.”
Fisher lifted his eyebrows. “Yeah. I reckon you’re right about that.”
“Which means we usually go easier on ourselves than others,” Boss went on. “We give ourselves a pass if we didn’tintendto do something. But you? You’re harder on yourself.”
“How so?” Fisher felt his eyebrows form a V.
“You thought about gouging that guy’s eyes out but didn’t. You considered punching McClean’s teeth in but didn’t. And yet here you sit, castigating yourself as if you’d actually followed through.”
“The fact that I even had the thoughts?—”
“Proves nothing,” Boss interrupted before he could finish his sentence. “You think I don’t want to break legs and bash heads when some asshole ogles Becky? You think I don’t get jealous when Graham walks by her without a shirt on? The bastard’s built like Alan Ritchson. OfcourseI get jealous.”
“You’re built like Alan Ritchson too, Boss.”
The big man made a rude sound. “I used to be. But I’m middle-aged and enjoying the good life as a civilian now. My six-pack is long gone, and I’d likely have a stroke if I tried to hump eighty pounds of gear more than a hundred yards.”
