I release a shuddering sigh. That damned fateful day… Funny how life can hinge on a moment.
I can’t bearto see her face when I give her the truth of what happened, of what I almost did. So I close my eyes again. The problem is, with my eyes shut, I can see the old scene playing out perfectly.
“He beat the living shit out of me that afternoon,” I say slowly, the words pulled from me one at a time, as if they’re attached to me by tendons and ligaments and viscera. “The argument started out simple enough. They always did. I wanted to extend my curfew by an hour since it was prom, and Rick said I couldn’t. He told me I had to be home a full two hours earlier than usual. ‘Don’t want you having time to knock up that little Carter girl.’ Although he didn’t use the wordgirl. He used something much more disgusting.”
“Oh, Cash.” Again, her finger brushes over the scar slicing through my eyebrow. When she does that, my head doesn’t hurt so much.
“I got in his face and told him not to call you names. ‘Oh yeah? What’re you going to do about it?’ he said. And I hit him, Maggie. It was the only time I ever threw the first punch.”
The memory of his face, of that big vein pulsing in his forehead, still has the power to make bile gather at the back of my throat.
“I’ve never seen him so angry,” I admit. “He beat me until I was bloody. Beat me until I passed out. When I came to, there was only one thought in my head. Kill him.Killthe bastard.”
“Sweet Lord have mercy,” she breathes.
“I went into his room and took out the Glock he kept in his bedside table. And then I headed downstairs to end him. I was going to drill him between the eyes and watch his brain explode out the back of his skull. Icravedhis death, Maggie. Craved it like I’ve never craved anything before or since.”
I take a slow, measured breath. Even now, I can taste thewanton my tongue, the desire to see him lifeless and bloody. Now that I’m going, the words come easier.
“I got to the landing before I stopped myself. I can still remember the rage. Still remember the way my hands shook. It took everything I had to drop the gun and walk out that front door. I knew if I ever went back inside, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from finishing what I started. So I jogged to the closest army recruiter’s office and signed up.”
“And they took you then and there?” Her tone is incredulous. “Couldn’t they see you’d been beaten?”
“Oh, the recruiter saw. He made me tell him what’d happened before he let me sign on the dotted line. After I explained, he swore he’d help me press charges that would stick despite my father’s bosom-buddy status with the superintendent of the police force. But I needed out. Right then. Right at that moment. I told him he’d better put me in the army on the double, because I felt like I needed to kill someone, and I figured that someone might as well be an enemy of our nation. He gave me time to write you that letter. Then he drove me over to Luc’s place so I could deliver it and make Luc promise to take you to prom. After that, he carted me all the way to Fort Polk, found a room for me, and said I could stay there until Basic started.”
“Oh, Cash,” she whispers, and I open my eyes to see her shaking her head. “I’m so sorry.”
“No,” I tell her. “I’msorry. But I swear I thought I was doing what was right. I was an awful, feral thing by that point. I was scared of myself. Worse, I didn’ttrustmyself, and I was convinced you were better off without me. Better off not knowing what I’d become.”
“Shhh.” She covers my mouth with her hand. “Don’t say another word. It’s done. It’s over.”
I shake my head, marveling at her ability to forgive ten years of silence, ten years of hurt. The pillowcase scrapes across the knot on the back of my head, making me hiss.
She winces in sympathy before hastily wiping away her tears. “Let me go get those ice packs.”
When she stands, I instantly miss her weight on the mattress. She’s almost out the door before I call her name.
“Yeah?” She turns back.
“Mind hitting the switch? The light is killing me.”
A worried frown plays with her lips, but she does as I ask.
Darkness. Blessed darkness. I reach for my flask and remember she left it on the floor in the living room.
Damn.
I spend a few minutes debating whether or not I have the strength to get up and go in search of it. And just when I decide to give it a try, she reappears in the doorway.
I can tell by the way she walks across the room, carefully feeling for each step, that her eyes haven’t adjusted to the darkness.
“I’m right here, Maggie.” I let my voice be a target she can aim for.
She nudges the side of the mattress with her toe and gingerly sits down on the edge. “Here.” She hands me the first bag of ice. I put it between my head and the pillow, gritting my teeth against the slicing cold. “Where do you want the other one? Your knuckles or your jaw?”
She’s a darker shadow amongst the shadows. The second bag of ice is nothing but a lumpy square silhouette held aloft in her hand.
“My jaw’s not so bad.” I take the bag and press it against my aching knuckles. Probably wasn’t smart to lay into the wall. Now I’ll have to spend an afternoon repairing it, and that’s time I don’t have to waste.
