That’s probably true. There’s an edge to his voice that tells me he’s going to enjoy it, too.
Verin made me feel like a fool, and then she tortured and humiliated me in the arena. Now he’s going to do the exact same thing, in the exact same order. I wish I’d never come here. My mother probablywouldbe disappointed in me.
The instant I have the thought, tears prick behind my eyes, and I blink them away.
“Come now,” Alek prods. “Make your selection. Surely you could use the practice.”
Well, that’s the truth. I feel like such a failure in so many ways. I swallow past a lump in my throat. “Just show me the fabrics for Sinna. Do you have anything with butterflies?”
His eyebrows flicker into a frown.
“Or shades of green?” I add, trying to keep any tremor out of my voice. “She seems rather keen on frogs right now, and perhaps we could have a seamstress embroider a few lily pads—”
“Callyn.” He studies me, his eyes searching my face.
It’s life or death for us, too.
There are just too many sides here, and as usual, I have no idea who’s right.
I bite the edge of my tongue, because I don’t dare cry in front of him. He’s the worst kind of person to bare any vulnerability in front of.
“Tell me what you really want,” he says, and his voice is so soft that it draws my gaze up. The arena is full of dim sunlight that filters down from the windows overhead, and he’s looking at me the way he did on that morning he arrived, when he looked concerned. When he looked like hecared.
I don’t want to trust any of this.
I pull my hand away from the weapons. “I don’t want to fight,” I say, and my voice sounds hollow. I lift my chin. “It’s bad enough that Verin humiliates me. I don’t need you to do it, too.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “You truly do think so little of me, don’t you.”
He sounds wounded, and I have to swallow again, because I still can’t tell if he’s being manipulative or if he’s being genuine. “How about this. I’ll tell your story frommyside.”
He folds his arms. “Go ahead.”
“Jax and I hadnothing. We were both in danger of losing our homes.” I can’t look at him while I say all this. I trace my finger over the filigreed handle of a dagger. “I didn’t know what would happen to Nora ifI were thrown in a debtor’s prison—and I didn’t want to enlist in the army for the exact same reason. So when Lady Karyl showed up with silver, Jax asked for twice as much so he could give half to me.”
Alek says nothing, and I refuse to look at him now, because I won’t be able to continue. I run my finger over the engraved flat side of a sword blade.
“His father was terrible.Terrible.Jax would work himself into the ground, and his father would spend every coin they earned on gambling and drinking. The day Jax demanded so much from you was because his father stole the little he’d managed to hide. And maybe he shouldn’t have been spending so much time with Lord Tycho, but he didn’t say a word about you or your notes. I know he didn’t. He just—we just—” My voice breaks. “He wasn’t greedy. He knew he was asking too much. But he was risking himself for me, because he was my best friend—”
Alek catches my wrist, and I gasp.
“That one is very sharp,” he says, and I realize my finger was about to find the edge of the blade.
But he doesn’t let go, and I don’t pull away. His fingers are warm against my wrist, and I can feel the strength in his hand. I keep my eyes fixed on the wall of weapons, and the silence swells between us.
“I can’t undo what happened with Jax,” he finally says. “And I wouldn’t even if I could. Too much was at stake.”
“Too much was at stake for us, too.”
“I know.” His thumb runs along the inside of my wrist, and he moves a little closer. “Did you really think my intent in bringing you here was to humiliate you?”
My voice won’t work, but I nod.
“Why?” he says, and the word is so simple and innocent that I have to look at him.
His expression is earnest, his eyes a little wide, as if he wants a genuine answer.
But I don’t have an answer. Everything has gotten so tangled up and turned around, and I truly have no idea what to say to him.
