“I should…” I flicked my wrist to the gaggle of girls and toddlers within reach of choking hazards, not to mention Clara in her mask, staying out of touching distance.
“There are men to do the child watching.” Calliope waved in the direction of men who were indeed watching the children. “Elliot,” she called out. “Watch these children.”
Her “not boyfriend” instantaneously broke from his conversation to come over to us. “Sure, babe,” he said, kissing her neck.
The act was so intimate and casual, yet at the same time, it felt illegal for me to be seeing it. I felt intense longing forsomething like that. For a connection with someone I could rely on.
I gazed around the yard. Kip and Rowan were running around after their respective children. Kane was sitting dutifully while his daughter made him his own flower crown with chubby fingers. It was refreshing to see the mothers sitting, chatting, and enjoying drinks while the fathers chased the kids. I’d been to a few children’s birthday parties, and that was not usually the case. It was typically frazzled mothers who barely got a moment to eat, drink, or talk to each other while the men leisurely enjoyed beer and conversation.
“Hannah, did you do all of this?” Nora asked when I sat down, self-conscious around these older, glamorous women I looked up to. Their friendships seemed so solid, effortless; their relationships envious. Their whole lives seemed like fairy tales, though realistically, I knew that couldn’t be the case. People didn’t exactly wear their traumas on their sleeves. I should’ve known that better than anyone.
“I mean,Beauhandled the bouncy house,” I replied, suddenly embarrassed by all the attention being on me. I had been happy before, hanging out with children who hadn’t learned to judge people yet. Not that I felt judged by Nora or any of the women paying attention to the question. I was projecting my own judgment of myself onto them. I was self-aware enough to know that, at least.
“Yes, Beau handled the bouncy house… He googled ‘child’s birthday party’ then did whatever was at the top of the search list,” Calliope interjected. “I doubt Beau thought about potion stations, flower crowns, or cookie decorating.”
I pursed my lips to avoid a smile. I loved that despite Calliope not knowing Beau all that well yet, she never shied from calling him on his bullshit.
“That was me,” I agreed sheepishly. I didn’t do all of this in an attempt to gain credit from all of these women. I hadn’t even known they were all coming and certainly hadn’t planned on interacting with them. Plus, I felt a small need to defend Beau, especially after what he’d shared last night. He didn’t have the capacity to think of potion-making stations because he was still held captive by the memories of last year.
“It’s amazing.” Nora looked around with wide eyes before smiling kindly at me.
“I’m stealing all of these ideas for June’s birthday party,” Fiona piped in, her accent making her all the more cool and interesting. And she was already plenty cool with her effortless style, a great sense of humor, and a casual ease with her daughter that was inspiring.
All of these women modeled motherhood in a way I’d never seen. They loved so completely, so out loud, nurturing and adoring their children. I hadn’t entirely believed such a thing existed.
I felt so very happy for all the small people running around that backyard, knowing that they’d grow up with such love.
I sipped my champagne again, longing for that lightness in my limbs to carry me away from my past, my problems, the way my brain was only half listening to this conversation, the rest focused on Beau.
“Are you planning on continuing nannying for Beau once Clara is in kindergarten?” Nora asked, sipping her own drink.
I shook my head. “No, I’m here until she starts, then I’m going into my final year of nursing school. This has been a bit of a … sabbatical,” I explained, feeling immensely self-conscious that the conversation was still on me.
Beau didn’t ask me questions if he could avoid it, and I made myself scarce when his family was around. Until that moment, I didn’t realize I’d avoided personal conversations for so long.Even at nursing school, I’d been friendly but focused on my assignments and my jobs. There were people I knew enough to have a study group with, but that was all. My numerous roommates were in the same situation as me—working our asses off to get through college. I never went to parties, didn’t bond with anyone like I fantasized I might, no lifelong friendships formed. I was too busy and too tired.
It was isolating, immensely lonely, to have no one who really knew me. Well, Clara did, but she was five years old and had only known me a few months.
“That sucks.” Nora frowned before covering her mouth with her hand. “I mean, it doesn’tsuckthat you’re going back to nursing school, that’s amazing. I already know you’ll be a wonderful nurse. I was hoping to steal you as a nanny.”
“Bitch, I was hoping to steal her!” Fiona cut in with faux aggression.
“Well,Ican promise Michelin star meals,” Avery supplied. “Though not much else since my husband wouldn’t actually let you nanny.” She rolled her eyes. “He’s firmly in his ‘stay at home dad era.’ His words, not mine,” she added with a sly grin.
My body warmed under the attention of these women. So much so that for a moment, I was almost tempted to throw it all away. Literally discard the future I’d dreamed of—well, with some adjustments for reality—so I could nanny for these families. So I could be around people who made me feel accepted and worthy. Who showed me that mothers could be loving, happy.
But if I stayed, it wouldn’t be as one of them. I’d always be on the outside, looking in. And having to be near Beau?
No.
Not to mention I couldn’t be in Jupiter nannying and not see Clara every day. Not be her nanny.
“I would’ve loved to, if things were different,” I told Nora truthfully.
“I don’t want things to be different for you.” She smiled, reaching over to squeeze my hand in a casual display of affection. “I was being selfish. You definitely should be following your dreams.”
“What about a boyfriend?” Tiffany asked. It was the first time I’d met Tina’s wife. Tina I’d seen at the bakery, and although she was covered in tattoos and scowled at the coffee machine a lot, she was unflinchingly kind and funny with Clara.
Tiffany was her polar opposite, with her hair curled and teased within an inch of its life. She was wearing head-to-toe pink, her makeup flawless, looking like she was going to a beauty contest instead of a five-year-old's birthday party. I loved it. I wondered what it would be like to be so confident, to stand out.
