When Jasper started his rookie season in the NHL, playing for the Woodpeckers, everyone was shocked that we decided to be roommates. Em suggested the arrangement as she thought we would hit it off. And she was correct as always…but don’t tell her I said that.
Jasper’s the brother I never got to have and Em’s the annoying little sister even if she’s older than me. Shocker, I know. She acts so much younger, am I right? [Soft chuckles]
You would’ve loved being there when Em got kicked out of a dive bar for stealing pickles. That woman has always loved them for some reason.
[Pause] I’m glad you met my chosen family. So damn glad.
January 20
I had my first ever group therapy session today. It was heavier than I thought it’d be, if I’m being honest.
People went around sharing what they miss the most about their lives before their disabilities or injuries. Some talked about running outside, others mentioned driving. When it got to me, all I wanted to say was you. Not hockey, not my sight, just you. But I swallowed the words and said hockey instead. Because I still have you, even if I’m currently missing you. Does that make sense?
[Long pause] Anyway, one guy in the group broke down talking about not being able to see his kids anymore. The room wentquiet. You could hear his every sniffle, but no one judged him for it.
That silence? It was the first time silence didn’t feel like something negative. It felt like respect.
January 25
So, my parents' PR person called for the third time this week and left a voice message. Instead of answering, I asked Em to tell my father to fuck off. She did as asked, of course.
My parents should’ve stopped after I blocked them following the interview. Maybe this will teach them. My inner peace is more important than faking to care about them anymore. Uncle Jake agrees.
[Snort] Of course he does. That man is allergic to bullshit.
January 29
Jasper stopped by before heading to the Olympics next week. What an overachiever…right?
Anyway, he brought takeout and made fun of how I still suck at voice dictation when texting. He’s good like that, pretending nothing has changed, even when everything has. He also joked about him and Vivian doing rock paper scissors on their wedding day to decide who gets to read their vows first.
It made me laugh…and then I wondered if I’d ever get there. And who I’d want to stand with me in front of all those guests.
[A self-deprecating laugh] Okay, fuck, shutting up now.
January 31
I’ve been thinking about my reputation lately. They used to call me the bad boy of hockey. What a fucking cliché. I used to think the title made me untouchable. Newflash: it didn’t.
You have no idea how much I want to shake the old version of myself and tell him to wake the hell up. Because he was wasting time while hurting people—especially himself—for what? Headlines? A few cheers from the crowd? One more hookup that wouldn’t mean a thing?
I’m glad I’m not that guy anymore. I like to think it’s because of you.
[A quiet ‘Fuck, Ivy, what a fucking fool I have been’]
Maybe I needed all of this to see how far I’d fallen. Because the old me couldn’t have handled this pain and couldn’t have loved someone the way I love you.
And now? Now I want to be better. For myself. For you. For whatever future is waiting on the other side of this. That has to count for something, right?
January 31, part II
Yeah, I said I love you for the first time in a voice note you’ll never hear. I love you, Ivy, my light. I really do. I can’t wait until the day I get to tell you those words to your beautiful face.
February 1
There’s this guy at rehab called Brian. He’s younger than me, about twenty-four. He lost his sight in a car accident. His best friend who was driving died on impact. He doesn’t talk much, but when he does, it wrecks you.
The thought of losing someone so important…Em, Jasper, Uncle Jake or any of my teammates…or you. It kills me. I can’t even picture such loss without wanting to scream until my lungs collapse.
