Her smile was a pitiful thing. “I know you are, Gabriel. I know.” She put down her head and walked away.
Gabriel stayed where he was, trembling, the room turning around him. For all his talk of wanting a convenient marriage, of not wanting to develop feelings or care for his wife, how he felt in the moment was proof that what he wanted, and what he got, were two different things.
He and Sophia were finally on the same page, but that brought little relief. If anything, it made him more confused. Then again, as this marriage had gone so far, what else could be expected? A marriage of confusion, is what it was. Very inconvenient indeed.
CHAPTER 19
Sophia spent the following week purposefully avoiding Gabriel.
It was ironic in many ways, that the week before this she had felt as if he was the one avoiding her, and now she was doing it to him. The difference, as she saw it, was that in this instance, he deserved it.
And it wasn’t that he chose to miss their supper plans that was the reason. That had upset her, but even when she was sitting alone, watching the doorway, anger bubbling away, she had managed to convince herself that there might be a reason. She was so damn certain that this marriage could develop into something real, with feelings for Gabriel to match, that she would have been willing to forgive him, if he gave her a reason.
No… it was not the missed supper that earned her ire, but the conversation that happened after.Thatwas why she felt her actions this week were justified.
Better still, based on the way Gabriel spoke to me, I can only assume that he is pleased that I am avoiding him. By all accounts, he wants me to.
She had been furious at first. That he thought she should be grateful for how he was treating her – as if she owed him. Was he really so selfish? Did he really think that he was some sort of savior, and that she should be on her knees? It was absurd!
The anger soon transformed to apathy, because she saw in his words the truth that she had refused to admit until she had no other choice. For all her beliefs that something was happening between them both, he either did not feel it, or did not want it to. Whatever it was, the result was the same, and she was done trying to reason with a man who did not want to be reasoned with.
She was done trying to find an answer that suited her when the true answer screamed at her in the face. This marriage was only ever meant to be one of convenience. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Now that I know this, I can move on. I can be free… even if I feel more trapped than ever.
So it was that Sophia’s first week of ‘freedom’ began.
Typically, and this did not surprise her at all, it also happened to be the worst week of her married life so far. And the reasons for this were entirely too obvious.
She felt like an intruder in her own home. Everywhere she went, everything that she did, Sophia felt as if she was being watched. And if not watched, she was doing the watching, careful not to accidentally walk into the same room as her husband.
In her mind, it was just easier to avoid him. If she did that, perhaps in a few weeks she could forget about him entirely. They would become ghosts in that way, drifting through the manor, hardly aware of the other’s presence. Was it a goal to covet? Was it something to hope for? Certainly not…but what other choice do I have?
Slowly, and surely, the week began to break Sophia apart.
She found it harder to wake up of a morning. She found her appetite fading. Her desire to play the pianoforte was nonexistent, and even going outside to read in the sun brought no joy. She just… walked. Skulked. Idled from place to place. And whenever she thought she caught wind of Gabriel nearby, she would hurry in the opposite direction.
It was no way to live. The sadness and loneliness set in. This was not freedom, but an entirely different type of prison.
Something had to change, and as the days turned over, Sophia found herself praying that they would. She missed that brief period where things had felt so perfect. She missed being free. And, most strangely, she missed her husband.
That realization, as it turned out, was the most shocking of all.
“Are you sure, Your Grace?” the stableboy asked nervously. He was even younger than Sophia, with a mop of blonde hair, a dirt-stained face, and kind eyes that he refused to look upon her with.
“Quite sure, thank you,” Sophia said with as much conviction as she was able to find. “This is not my first time riding, and I am more than capable.”
“I did not mean it like that.” His blue eyes widened and he hurried to explain himself. “I am sure you are an expert rider. It is just…” He swallowed nervously. “The weather, Your Grace. A storm is said to be coming.”
“Then let it come,” she said sharply, frustration growing. “A little rain never hurt anyone.”
“It is not the rain that worries me, Your Grace.” His face turned pale and his eyes remained wide like dinner plates. “And forgive me for saying, but I worry you might not be aware of the effect that lightning and thunder can have on a horse. It frightens them.”
“Is it me you are worried about or the horse?”
“My meaning…” He swallowed again. “The horse might get spooked, Your Grace. Chances are, it will throw you from thesaddle if it does. Let me ride with you,” he tried. “You don’t know this area well, and there’s no sense in –”
“I am quite fine.” Fed up with being talked down to, Sophia stormed forward and snatched the reigns from the stableboy. “I have been riding since I was a little girl, and yes, that includes through storms. There is no need to worry.”
