“Hope,” Knox whispers as his fingers slightly graze over mine. “Say something, sweetheart.”
I should be honest, I shouldn’t hide myself from them. They won’t use it against me… at least… they don’t do that anymore. But why can’t I move, why can’t I speak?
“What do you want?” Dimitri asks and I think it over.
What do I want?
I want to be normal.
I want to be fearless.
I want to heal.
I didn’t trust Jo and I’m not ready to dive back into real counseling and relive that experience, but I need to get used to being touched and touching others.
“Maybe we could try… something,” I murmur.
All eyes are suddenly on me. I exhale slowly. “It’s affecting my job. I know that Coach Carpenter is being lenient, but I’m drawing a ton of attention to myself and I don’t like it. I don’t like it ruining the comfort. So… I kind of have an idea.”I think.
Knox looks at Dimitri. Dimitri looks at Jax and he looks between them. “I don’t fucking know.”
I bite my bottom lip, my eyes shift between them, and I try to find out how to say this, or even start the conversation. At least it is something where I get to choose, be in control.
Exhaling slowly, I swallow. “If the answer’s no, I’ll respect it, okay? I promise. No guilting, no grumbling. If it’s a no, that’s it.”
They don’t answer, but I feel something shift in the room, especially since I haven’t left the room or moved away from the bed. Knox’s whole body is poised to step forward, but he pauses.
He clears his throat. “All of us are listening, baby.”
“I think… if I stay in control… we can try me touching you… and you touching me. Not sexually. Jax, you mentioned a massage and… and something like that,” I manage to choke out. I clear my throat. “But… you’d have to have your wrists tied.”
DIMITRI
I glance up at my wrists, tied to the headboard. Next to me is Jax, his wrists tied with rope, since he said he could handle it. Knox clearly got the worst of it since he’s tied up with a towel. I’m pretty sure his fingers are already going numb, but he’s not willing to move more than his eyes.
Jaxon is the only one face down, grumbling into a pillow about his own sass, but Knox has Hope nearly on top of him as she massages his shoulders, his pecs, and slowly strokes down his abs.
“Hope?” he asks.
“You’re allowed to move. No warnings or anything necessary.”
He still moves slowly. He adjusts his hands a bit, then lifts his leg, rubbing his foot along her calf. She jumps ever so slightly, but keeps touching him, tracing his abs, swirling her finger around his belly button, then moving her palms to his chest. She meets his eyes and they just stare at each other for a moment.
She slides her hand up his arm, then over his bound wrists to trace his fingers. He squeezes her hand awkwardly, tries to stroke her wrist, then she shivers and nods. “See, I can do it.”
Jax gets a back massage and actually moans. He kicks his feet, overwhelmingly pleased, but after the first five minutes, something shifts. He starts breathing raggedly.
“Jax, is that too much pressure?” she asks.
He turns his head slightly. “I’m falling asleep. Touching you would be better.”
“That comes next,” she says. “We’re staying fair.”
His eyes meet mine and I see pain there. I sometimes wonder what goes on in his head.
Then Hope’s straddling my thigh and every thought flees my head. She stares down at me as she slowly touches me. I know it’s not meant to be sexual. She’s tracing an occasional scar, exploring me, mumbling about some tight muscles, but the more she touches me, the more she relaxes.
I’m holding my breath by the time she leans forward, afraid to breathe too hard and fuck it up.
