“She doesn’t know?” His brows rose.
“I think—” I shook my head. “I can’t be sure.” I didn’t know if anything had happened while I was gone; it was a distant idea in my mind, but I didn’t want to ask Cyph right now. A growl rumbled in my chest at the thought. “But everything between us has been so fucked up—everything in her life really—it’s taken every strand of her energy to hold herself together. There hasn’t been time for thoughts of…any of that.”
I hated that I had a hand in making her that way. We were both to blame.
Cyph blew out a breath, shoulders drooping. Every move was heavy, weighted by the precarious future we faced and the relationships shifting around us.
Ophelia’s stare as we lay on the bed after that last time was seared into my brain. I’d seen her furious, I’d seen her distraught, but now she’d been haunted. Uncertain. Things I’d never associated with her. Had that been how she looked the years I was imprisoned? Was that vacancy the person our friends had kept afloat?
Spirits, if that was true, we really didn’t belong together. Because that look in her eyes—there was nothing I could do that would undo this mess.
I guess some forevers weren’t meant to survive. I threw my head back against the couch, clenching my eyes shut until I saw stars, like that could rid my memory of the imprint of her haunted stare.
But it wouldn’t leave.
“I fear this might truly break her,” I whispered.
“Look at me,” Cyph snapped. “She needed to break.”
I nodded, though I didn’t know if I understood.
He continued, “Don’t worry about her now. She’s survived so much, and if this is what breaks her, then it’s long overdue. I have no doubt she’ll repair herself, and you know that, too. You’re using her pain to drive yourself into a deeper hole of despair because it’s easier than pulling yourself out of it, but whatyouneed to do is heal. Fucking curses, Malakai, you’re just as broken as she is.” That truth stung. “Focus on that.”
I swallowed. “Okay.” I hadn’t realized that one of my fingers was tracing the Bind over my shirt, but I dropped my hand to my side,searching the room for anything else to say. “Mind if I sleep in here?”
“Anytime.” Cyph rose, clapping me on the shoulder, and strolled from the room.
He returned a minute later with a stack of blankets and pillows. Tossing me some, he settled down onto his couch, stretching out.
The mystlights faded. Soon, his breathing evened out into a steady slumber. I laid on my back, eyes on the wood-paneled ceiling as if I could look through it and see the North Star above. I wondered how my North Star was fairing. Although, I guessed it was no longer my right to call her such.
Still, I’d meant what I said before I left. It may not be in the way it once was, but I would love Opheliauntil the stars stopped shining.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ophelia
The only thingbetter than riding Sapphire at sunrise was being beneath the stars, me and her. I got both, taking her out as inky sky faded into lilac, the moon making room for the sun. Even then, the hollowness within my chest lingered.
In the few hours I’d sat on the bathroom floor, I’d begun to sink into a bad place. A darkness that rivaled when Malakai first left. Shadows infringed on me, grasping for every spark of life I held on to.
It was familiar and comfortable to resort to that darkness—but I forced myself out of it. I’d spent years there. I didn’t want to go backward.
The decision wasn’t all bad. There was the satisfaction of knowing I’d made the right choice for myself, despite how deeply I already missed him. Missed the ease we used to have. The way his scent used to cling to my things after a day together in Palerman, the way he whispered my name in a crowd and I always knew where to look, the light in his eyes when he saw me.
I missed having my world revolve around my North Star.
We’ve changed, I reminded myself. It was done.
And though I missed what we had, I think a part of me had been preparing for this for a while. Knew it was inevitable with our trajectory. And that made the sting hurt a little less. Made it easier to see a light on the horizon.
Not everything was meant to last forever. That was what I would remind myself as Sapphire galloped steadily beneath me. I’d have todiscover the personal motivation within me that got me out of bed each day, that my world revolved around now. I was not foolish enough to think it would be easy—not with the echo of Malakai’s footsteps that had walked beside mine our entire lives. I could do it, though.
Reclaim my future, my life.
I wouldn’t think about the Bind or how we could even separate those threads of connected soul. Not yet, anyway.
Sapphire crested a rise in the mountains that was perhaps my favorite view, at the southwest of Damenal with a valley behind us, leading away from the city. Cyphers, oaks, and brush decorated the mountainside. If we kept west, we’d find our way into the Starsearchers lush territory. Or if we cut south, we could explore the desert climates of the Soulguiders. And beyond that, the frigid Mindshapers’ land wrapped around the base of the mountains.
