It was after six in the evening, and I just pulled up to the apartment complex that I’ve been staying at. One of my home girls allowed Bash and I to move in. Her name was Latoya. Latoya was on section 8, and she lived in a three-bedroom apartment. She had three children. Two boys, and a girl. I hated that I even had to ask her if Bash and I could stay with her, just until I got on my feet, but she was literally the only option that I had right now. She was risking her section 8 by allowing us to move in, but out of love, she did it.
The other friends that I had, there situations were much worse, so Latoya was my best bet. She was cool with Bash and I staying with her. We wouldn’t have a room though. She tried to give us her daughters room, telling us that she would just have her daughter sleep with her, but I let her know that I didn’t want anyone to have to get put out of their room, so Bash and I were on the couch. I didn’t mind though. I would take this over us having to go to a shelter.
During the day, I was working at Dionne’s warehouse, and once I was off, I would grab my son from school, and we would come home. I would leave at ten at night because I had an overnight warehouse job, so I was working two jobs. I would giveLatoya a few dollars, and I stacked the rest, so that I could save up enough money to get my son, and I our own apartment.
I genuinely hated the position that I was in right now. Even though I wasn’t too thrilled to be staying with Toby because I knew about the life that he was living, Bash and I finally had stability, and right when it felt like things were getting good, someone kills him. Toby’s death really put me in a bad spot. To know that my son was in the apartment when he was killed, has been enough to keep me up at night, and when I eventually fall asleep, I keep having these terrible nightmares.
We still didn’t know who killed Toby. When the detectives came to the house to question us, I had no idea why Bash decided to tell them that it was Rico, the football player. They asked him if he saw Rico do it, and he told them no. He said that Toby told him to say that Rico killed him. I couldn’t say whether Toby was telling the truth or not because when it came to Toby, and whatever street dealings that he had going on, he didn’t let me in on that kind of stuff, and truth be told, I didn’t want to be involved with it, either.
A few weeks ago, he came home, waking me up in the middle of the night, and his face looked like it had been run over by a truck. He was missing teeth, and his eyes were swollen to the point that you couldn’t even see his pupils. All he kept telling me was that he was jumped.
“I hate coming over here. Toya’s sons get on my nerves,” Bash said from the back, snapping me out of my thoughts.
I’d just parked the car, and I turned around, so that I could look at him. My little man was so handsome, but you could tell how angry he was right now. He was angry with life. Angry with our living situation. Angry with the fact that I had to temporarily pull him out of football because I didn’t have the extra money right mow to pay for it. All those things had me feeling like a bad mother, and that’s another reason why I couldn’t seem to getany good sleep at night. I was always up worrying about so many things.
“Bash, I swear it’s only temporary, okay? Once I get enough money saved up, we can have our own apartment again, just like we used to. You can have your own room, with all your games and stuff, and I’ll have my own room as well. Please, you just gotta be patient with mommy right now. I’m trying,” my voice cracked.
For the most part, I wouldn’t cry in front of my son because I wanted him to feel like I was strong, and that I could handle anything.
“Her sons don’t let me play with them on the game. They won’t even let me hook my PlayStation up to their TV. You can’t just call my dad, and ask him if we can stay with him? What about grandma? I hate staying here man,” he snapped, kicking the seat that was in front of him, and within seconds, he started crying angry tears.
Seeing him crying like this and knowing that there really wasn’t much that I could do to fix this situation pained me. I lost the fight that I had on trying not to cry in front of him because before I knew it, I allowed my head to crash onto the headrest, and I started shedding tears of my own.
I couldn’t tell him that his daddy was a piece of shit, that didn’t want anything to do with him. Granted, my son was wise beyond his years, so he was smart enough to know that his daddy wasn’t in the picture. He just didn’t know the depths of it. I’ve never told him some of the hateful things that his daddy has said, and I wouldn’t. As far as my mother, our relationship was nonexistent. We were cool at one point, but my mom has this hateful spirit about her that I couldn’t get with, so that caused the relationship to be strained the way it is.
“Come up here with me, Bash,” I called out to my son after about five more minutes.
He was still in the back, shedding tears. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my boy this angry before.
With his caramel-colored skin, it made it so easy to see how red his face had turned. Big tears were falling down his face, and his nose was red. As he sat in the back, crying, he had his hands balled up in fist.
I saw a little boy that was hurt, and broken, and it was one of those feelings that no mother wanted to see on her child. As parents, it was our duty to provide for our children. We were put here to take care of them, keep them sheltered, with clothes on their backs, and food on the table. Just knowing that I wasn’t doing all those things, it was a hurt like none other.
After a few minutes, Bash eventually removed the seatbelt that he was still wearing, and he climbed in the front, so that he could sit in the passenger seat. It’s like he was embarrassed to look at me, since he had been crying, so he turned his body, glaring out of the window. I reached my hand up, so that I could place it on the side of his face.
“Baby, you just have to hang in there for me for a little while longer. I’m working two jobs, trying to save up enough money, so that I can get us into our own place. In a perfect world, it would be you, me, and your dad, and we wouldn’t have to worry about struggling like this, but sadly, that’s just not the cards that we were dealt in this life. Your father isn’t around, and isn’t in the picture, so calling him, and asking him if we could move in with him isn’t an option for us. Without throwing your grandma under the bus, I’ll just tell you that me, and her don’t have the best relationship. I wouldn’t want to move in with her. Toya is our best option right now. I don’t want to give you a date on when we’ll be out of here because if I don’t pull through, I would hate to disappoint you. Just give me a few months, okay?” I asked him.
Instead of him verbally responding, he just nodded his head.
“Come on, so you can go inside, and take your shower, and stuff. I’m going to get started on dinner. I got some ground beef, so that I can make tacos,” I responded, thinking that his favorite meal would put him in better spirits, but it really didn’t.
I leaned over, so that I could kiss him on his cheek, and then I shut the car off. I stepped out, and I used my key, so that I could pop the trunk.
Bash was too busy going to the back of the car, so that he could grab his bookbag, so I was able to sneakily grab one of the bags that held something inside, that I didn’t want him to see, and I tucked it under my arm.
It was a pregnancy test inside. My period was well over six days late, and to know me is to know that I’ve always had regular periods. I had been trying to convince myself that it was probably just late because of all the stress that I’ve been battling, but I’ve stressed more than this before in the past, and my period still came on when it was supposed to. With the fucked-up position that I was in right now, Lord knows that I didn’t need another child. If I was pregnant, I would just have to use some of the money that I was saving for us to get an apartment and put it towards the abortion.
Toby wasn’t here to help me raise this child. I was already raising one child on my own, so it would be foolish of me to do it with another child.
Bash came around, and he grabbed some of the bags, and I grabbed what was left. After that, I locked the doors, and we walked through the parking lot, and took the stairs up, having to take them all the way up to the 3rdfloor. The elevators over here never worked.
It really wasn’t a bad area where Toya lived. With her section 8, they gave her a nice spot. I wouldn’t mind this being a place where my son and I could have our own place, so a couple of days ago, Toya let me know that there was currently applicationsgoing for through section 8, so I went ahead, and applied. If I didn’t get chosen, it would be fine because I was still saving up money, just in case I wasn’t picked.
We made it to the door, and I knocked. It took about a minute for the door to open, and it was one of Toya’s sons who opened it for us. It was her oldest, and his name was Malik jr. He was named after his dad, and he looked, and acted just like his ass. He was thirteen years old, and he was mean as hell. My son hated him because he was such a bully. Just like Bash was saying in the car, Malik didn’t like to share his game, allow my son to hook up his game, none of that stuff. Toya was always getting on him, but he was at an age where he was smelling himself, liking to talk back, and get the last word in. I just prayed that Bash continued to be the sweet, loving little boy that he is because if he ever thought that he was going to talk back to me the way that Malik did his mama, I know for a fact that I would be in jail.
Instead of his ass speaking, or even helping to get some of the groceries, he just walked away once he opened the door.
“Malik, help them with the fuckin bags! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Toya screamed from the dining room, where she was standing over her youngest son, Tevin, assisting him with homework.
