I try to gauge whether or not Lucy is screwing with me—should I actually be worried about being eaten alive? “You literally just said we might end up on a true crime podcast.”
“No, I said I heard a story about two lovers being mauled while they were banging. But that wouldn’t happen to us.” She mulls this over. “I don’t think.”
“You don’tthink?”
“Well ...” She drags her fingers lightly down my arm to distract me, my brain too busy conjuring images of sharp-toothed bears and cougars and badgers lurking in the shadows, waiting to kill me, to concentrate on her light touch. “I mean, wearein their territory. And theydoattack people sometimes. Especially unsuspecting ones.”
“What the fuck, Lucy?” I hiss, scanning the woods again like I might see a pair of glowing eyes through the bushes. “You couldn’t have mentioned thisbeforeI shoved my hand up your shirt and got a boner?”
She bites her lip. “I thought you were tough.”
“Are you gaslighting me?” I squeak, heart pounding. “I’m not trying todiein the middle of the woods with my dick out.”
She full-on laughs now, sitting up beside me. “Relax, Harris. It’s not like bears are ... waiting for two horny people to start making out in the woods before they attack.”
I stare at her, slack jawed. “Why did you put that idea into my head?” Seriously, what the hell is wrong with her? This is not funny!
“When I said it, I didn’t think you would get so worked up about it!” She grins, reaching for my hoodie. “We could always test the theory? See if a bear pops out of the woods?”
“Abso-freaking-lutely not. We arenotrisking my life over this.”
“Yourlife? What aboutmine?” Lucy is laughing all over again, giggling as if it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard. Then she stops, putting a hand to her ear. “Did you hear that?”
My head whips around. “What?”
Lucy’s eyes are wide, locked on to the trees. “I swear I heard something.”
A prickle runs down my spine. “Donotmess with me right now.”
I’m sensitive. Fragile.
An absolute mess of a man.
“Shh.” She shakes her head, holding up a finger for me to shush. “Shhh.”
I hold my breath to listen, but all I hear is the wind rustling through the branches, whispering through the trees, and then—
A crack.
A very distinct,not-the-windkind of crack.
I stiffen, every muscle in my body tensing up. “What. The. Fuck. Was that?”
My cock deflates, all the blood draining out of it.
Lucy presses a hand to my chest, patting me twice. “It’s probably nothing.”
“Probably?” My voice shoots up half an octave. “That’snotcomforting. At all.”
She bites her lip, like she’s debating whether to mess with me or let me suffer. “Could be another deer.”
“Ora bear!”
“Or a serial killer.” She says it nonchalantly, as if she’s filing her fingernails—not a care in the world.
“Oh my God.” I slide toward the tailgate, already reaching for her, tugging her along with me. “I’m not dying like this. Not naked. Not with you laughing over my dead body.”
Lucy tries—andfails—to suppress more laughter. “I cannot believe how terrified you are right now.”
