“I don’t know how we do this, I’ve had boyfriends and fallen out with them, but trying to work it out when it goes wrong is new territory for me.” Steph was confused by her own feelings. “Maybe I should just say how I feel and why,” she suggested.
“Go for it.” Smiled Jon.
“I feel hurt more than anything, although there is still a bit of anger there too,” she started. “You could andshouldhave told me about Penny. I would have understood your position better and maybe not hated myself quite so much for agreeing to be your mistress. The figure head for your wife was Lucy and I despised her, but then as casually as if you were telling me you were changing your car, you informed me that she was not your wife, that she was your father’s wife and then only because I overheard her talking about her pregnancy with a baby I believed was yours.”
“I get it Steph.” Jon sighed as he led her towards the sofa. “And I’m not proud of any of that.”
“Then you expected me to be pleased about your deceit and lies and for it all to be okay, but it’s not. I am still hurt and angry and confused by my own conflicting emotions because I love youand I want to forget it all, but I don’t know if I can.” She drained her glass of wine. “I mean, no matter what we do there is no forgetting Penny. She is real and very much part of your life.”
“Can I respond to all of that?” Jon turned slightly so that they were each sitting diagonally to each other with a knee almost touching.
Steph nodded with a smile as she used his own phrase, “Go for it.”
“Darling, I understand completely why you are hurt, angry and confused, I am rather confused and hurt myself, if not angry. Not with you anyway. I know I handled things badly, but this situation is not one of just my making, I did have some help. If you recall you were the one that told me that I was married and that it was to Lucy. You agreed to be my mistress because you didn’t want to be a fling or a one night stand, which I don’t think you could ever have been. I did however allow that error to go uncorrected and I really did try to rectify that on many occasions, but the time was never right or something happened to prevent it.”
Getting to his feet, Jon began to pace, as if trying to think of something to say, something different, something that might make sense and resonate with Steph. Something that might break through her defences and any objections she might still be harbouring towards a relationship with him.
“I love you, Steph,” he told her, retaking his seat, a little closer to her. “You know I love you and I do not use that word lightly and I just want to go back to how things were between us so tell me what I need to do to make it right and I will do it, anything.” He reached across and brushed away the tear that was rolling down her cheek. “Please don’t cry, I hate to see you cry. I hate being the reason for your tears.”
“I know I made assumptions, but you should have told me, everything. I should have known about Penny, that she evenexisted,” she protested. “And your baby,” she said on a cry that caught in her throat.
“What do you want me to say, Steph? I have said I am sorry and I am, but what else do you need from me?” he asked desperately.
“I don’t know!” she cried. “I wish I did, but I can’t get past how easily you lied to me and how good you were at it.”
“I did not lie,” said Jon, angry now. “I didn’t! You created the identity of my wife and all that came with that and I admit I did nothing to discourage it. I don’t even know why beyond the fact that I wanted to get to know you better, but safely.”
Steph stared at him and as much as she wanted to dispute his side of events she wasn’t sure she could. Had he lied? Maybe not, but he hadn’t been entirely honest either.
“What do you mean, get to know me safely?”
“Look, you are not the only one to have made mistakes in the past, to have got involved with the wrong people and ended up getting hurt and when I met you the last thing on my mind was a girlfriend.”
“Christ, what a fucking mess!” said Steph.
“I wanted it to be the right time and it never was, but it is a mess. What do we do about it? That’s the real question, isn’t it?” he asked nervously.
“Yes, but I don’t have an answer for that,” she replied “However, I think the real question is do we want to find a way forward.”
“I do,” Jon answered immediately, without hesitation.
“Me too,” Steph agreed with a smile.
“Then let’s talk about something else and come back to how we do it,” Jon suggested and added seriously, “But I should tell you that I won’t let you throw what we have away, so if this takes time, so be it.”
“I’m going nowhere and for what it’s worth, I can’t imagine not being with you, but I may need some time.”
With her words and the sincerity of them registering, Jon suddenly reached for Steph’s hand and pulled her to him. She willingly allowed herself to occupy the space under his arm, nestled against his side while his arm settled around her shoulders, keeping her close.
“You want to watch something shitty on the TV?” he asked, already hitting the remote control until the screen before them filled with images and sounds of an action movie.
An houror more passed and although they had sat in near silence, aside from the occasional sarcastic comment or observation relating to the film, the truth was, it was comfortable and comforting. Neither of them felt the need to fill the peace or quiet, they simply enjoyed the closeness and strange kind of intimacy the evening was turning out to provide.
The closing credits began to roll up the screen making Steph aware of the time and the fact that neither of them had made any attempt to discuss Penny or the best way forward in their relationship and as the night threatened to draw to a close, she could feel her confusion rising. She had no intention of spending the night with Jon, of having sex with him, not yet. Steph knew it might seem hypocritical that she had slept with him knowing he had a wife if not her identity and now, with all the facts she didn’t feel it was appropriate. Time, she just needed a little time to process everything and also to regain some normality between them.
“You okay?” Jon asked, turning the TV off.
“Hmmm.”
