I felt him stiffen. “We, Danielle, whenwedidn’t use protection.”
The use of my full name caused me to shrink and as much as I wanted to protest that it hadn’t been my decision to not use contraception, I didn’t, instead, I apologised. “Sorry, I really am.”
“Your timing couldn’t be any worse . . .” His voice trailed off and I sensed there was more to his outburst than my unplanned pregnancy, I even ignored the reference to my timing as I felt that under the circumstances, I was incidental to being pregnant. “I lost my job a couple of weeks ago and there’s nothing out there.”
“Oh, Mike, I am so sorry, what happened?” I didn’t even raise why he had waited until now to tell me.
“That’s so typically you!” He spat as he sprang to his feet. “Accusations about what I’ve done wrong. We can’t all be the perfect teacher’s pet.” He laughed again and I felt as though there was a heavy stone lodged in my stomach and the sensation was nothing to do with pregnancy. “Do you fuck them? The teachers, lecturers, because I find it hard to believe that anyone ascleveras you is getting top marks on intellectual ability.” His eyes half squinted as if he was struggling to focus on me and then, having confided in him about my sexual encounter, he threw it right back at me. “I mean you have a track record for it, don’t you? The lecturer who popped your cherry. How easy were you for him, Danielle?”
There was my full name again.
“Did you agree your A+ before he fucked you? What other tricks did you have to turn to secure the highest of marks? I mean it must have been more than you’ve given me, or was it the blood on his sheets that got you the extra marks? Perhaps I’ve misjudged you because as much as I accuse you of being stupid, you’ve fucked your way this far when you can’t cook, trip over nothing and you’re actually scared of the dark! Fuck me, you’re not even attractive or have a banging body anymore.”
I was crying, but the accusations and the verbal blows kept coming. I had no clue where all of these insults and revolting words or sentiments came from, but the worst part was knowing there was no escape from any of this. I could have simply walked through the door because Jess and my other housemates were all around and what would Mike do if I told him to shut the fuck up and get out? It wasn’t as though he abused me, was it? He’d never hit, not beyond the odd spank to my arse. I know he could be a bit rough in his handling of me, but—I became aware of his words continuing to flow.
“Your personality and personal hygiene are questionable, and honestly, you’d better hope that this bastard child doesn’t add stretch marks and flabby skin to your C.V.”
He dropped to his haunches in front of me and I thought he was going to apologise, explain that he was freaking out and he hadn’t meant any of the things he had said and that he loved me. He didn’t.
“You’re stuck with me now.”
Jess’ words came back to me. This is what she had warned me about.
“And so long as you at least try not to let yourself go completely.” His hand gestured down my body and his contemptuous expression followed. “I might throw you a sympathy fuck from time to time, but you let go any further and I can’t promise I won’t look elsewhere.”
Tears and snot flowed now and still he showed no compassion or concern.
“You, however, won’t ever look elsewhere. You are mine until I tell you otherwise.” He laughed again. “Nobody else would fuck you more than once anyway with your awkward fumbling and inability to fully pleasure a man.”
Turning, he moved towards the chair where his jeans were and I assumed he was leaving. Hoping he was. Instead, when he turned, his jeans thrown to the floor, he held up a condom and that is when I noticed that his previously flaccid penis was now fully erect, but why? Was he actually getting off on this horrid situation and the vile insults he had thrown my way.
“At least we won’t be needing these. Now get on your hands and knees because the last thing I want to see is your deceitful, whiny, snot covered face.”
In my head, I refused, I told him we were done, that I was not his and never would be, that the condoms were irrelevant because he would never touch me again and that my timing of being pregnant was irrelevant too because I had made plans to no longer be pregnant. I said none of those things, instead, what I did was to get on my hands and knees and like a well-trained animal, I waited for my trainer to make a move or give a command.
The bed dipped beneath me. “I don’t know which is worse to look at, your face or your fat arse.”
The tears flowed in the silence of the misery that had become my life.
NOW
The sightof the counsellor’s outstretched arm, offering me a tissue from the box in his hand was the first indication for me that the mere recollection of that time had resulted in fresh tears, years later.
“Danni, we can end things for today, if you’d rather?”
Blowing my nose, I shook my head. “It’s fine. I don’t know that I’d planned on telling you all of that. Is it normal to tell you things this way, like out of sequence?”
A small smile curled the lips of a face I was beginning to trust in ways I didn’t think I ever would. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure I had it in me to trust anymore, but it seemed I did, even if this was a professional trust. “There is no right and wrong way to talk, not with me. Some people will literally start from their first memory and then move forward chronologically, and others allow each memory shared to lead to another, so, no wrong or right.”
“Okay, but I suppose for me it’s just good to say these things out loud and to hear how messed up it was.”
“You know all of those things, those awful things and the words that left Mike’s mouth, they were about him not you, don’t you?”
Did I know that? I wasn’t sure I did, not entirely, but I was more convinced of it now than I ever had been before. I expected him to pick up a thread from all I had revealed. He didn’t, instead he went with something completely different.
“What happened between you and Jess?”
“Mike. That’s the short answer.”
