I smile at his words, those three words I have always heard from both of my parents and never doubted the sincerity of, and then I feel a sick knot of sadness forming in my gut because my girl didn’t have that, quite the opposite. No wonder she struggles with trusting other people, other people who aren’t me.
“I love you too, Dad.” Once I’ve hung up I know my working day is done, meaning I am going to make good on my earlier plan to go home to Olivia, to fight about her father’s responsibility to her and then to make up until she calls my name as she clings to me.
Chapter 44
Olivia
I feel worn out by the time my dad leaves. We have talked, for hours, about me, Raymond, my mother, Scott and then about him, his family, his new family and keeping in touch in order to hopefully rebuild our relationship.
He received edited highlights about what happened to me at Raymond and Dr Mathers’ hands, although I left him in no doubt that my mother most probably knew what was happening to me. That she does now even if she didn’t at the time and in order to secure my silence, she had paid me a recent visit, hence the marks on my face.
I didn’t tell him about Scott and what happened between us and the subsequent breakdown of our relationship. Nor did I tell him about my mother’s insinuations about Scott as I am waiting to see what Jimmy can find out and am hoping and praying she was lying.
I have a sister. No, a stepsister and two stepbrothers, Anita from the wedding who it turns out is the same age as me at twenty-three, and Aaron and Joel who are twenty-two and twenty. They use the termDadfor my dad because their own father died when Joel was only five years old in a crash on the motorway, so my dad is the only dad they’ve really known. I feel slightly jealous that they won in the stepdad lottery and me, well I lost, in spectacular style.
My dad has been married to their mum, Carol, for twelve years having met her soon after leaving us. Apparently, she, Carol, knows all about us, me and Scott and the threats that were made against him by Raymond. It was Carol who answered the phone to me earlier and is excited to meet me, something I’m not ready for yet.
Standing at the sink, washing up our cups, I smile at the realisation that the simple three button operation coffee machine really is only conspiring against me as my dad seemed to master it immediately when I couldn’t. Although, he is a caterer so maybe that’s it, well that’s what I am choosing to believe. I don’t remember him being much of a cook but apparently, he loves cooking, did some courses at night school and set up his business with Carol who was a professional cook before she had her children.
My dad went to great lengths to assure me that he did feel guilty about leaving me and Scott but was scared. He knows he’s responsible for what happened to me because he should have come back for us. He cried again when apologising for the umpteenth time and seemed to want me to blame him too. I didn’t, wouldn’t, unlike Mase who essentially accused him of being at fault which is still irritating me.
He had done so well up until that point, allowing me to take charge and lead the conversation, dictate the pace and then he said those words,Did you never think to go back, to check on themwhich translated meant,why did you abandon her, why did you dump them and run without a second thought you poor excuse for a father. That is what he meant, that is what me and my father heard, and I know Mase is annoyed that my situation could have been avoided, that my father could have prevented it in some way, but he didn’t. He did the thing Mason claims he never would, he didn’t keep me safe.
My emotions are conflicted as I dry my hands. I love Mase. I get his need to take care of me and his anger at Raymond, Conrad Mathers and my dad, but I am still pissed off with him, that he added to my dad’s own huge sense of guilt which is even greater now that he knows some of what I endured.
The sound of the door opening is followed by Mase’s voice, “Hey baby, has he gone?”
Hishey babysoftens my mood towards him slightly and then he continues to speak, annoying me again with hishas he gone?The last part really means I hope he’s gone, please tell me he’s not still here or God forbid is planning on staying. It means Mase doesn’t really like my dad and he doesn’t want him here, that he blames him for what happened and that is unfair.
My dad is no longer here, which is a relief because if he had gone to the bathroom and overheard Mase’s words he would now be aware of my boyfriend’s true feelings, like I am.
I ignore Mase because I don’t really know what to say, what I want or need to say to him, and I am very inexperienced in arguing so am unsure how to proceed.
“Olivia,” he says louder, no, not louder, he’s just closer and is sounding a little pissy himself now. “I said, has he gone?”
“Yes!” I snap but refuse to face him.
“It didn’t go well?” He assumes my mood is down to my father rather than him.
It’s time to face him. Spinning like a pirouetting prima-bloody-donna, I look at him. “It went fine, well, all things considered. Oh, except for the part where you essentially told him that everything that happened to me is his fault.” I am seething as the words leave my mouth and I fully embrace them, their meaning and how much they hurt my dad.
“I didn’t say that,” Mase replies flatly, stepping to the side of me to grab a glass that he fills with water.
“You might as well have.” My response is terse.
He shakes his head, not in denial, but as if he’s tired of this, of my thoughts.
“Olivia, I asked if he’d thought of coming back, to check. If from that anyone draws the conclusion that he should have, that it was his responsibility to ensure you were safe. That if he had he would have seen you were as far from safe as you could be and that by turning his back and running to save himself the difficulty of fighting their accusations, that by abandoning you, he allowed that fucking animal to abuse, neglect, assault and rape you and then let someone else do it too, then so be it.”
“Don’t be so ridiculous,” I almost scream. “My dad didn’t do this, none of it. Raymond and that bloody doctor did!”
Mason shrugs at me, clearly dismissing my views before he speaks with a slight raise to his voice. “He, Nigel, left you with Raymond and he left without a single look back. I have no idea how he felt, and I’m sure Raymond’s threats were sincere and scary, but you, you and Scott were children, his children. You come before him, or you should, and he failed you. So, if me asking if he never thought of coming back is offensive to you or him, I suggest we agree to disagree.”
I am staring up at him like a rabbit caught in headlights, scared, not of him, but what his words mean in terms of a future relationship with my father, but there’s more, feelings I can’t name or recognise. However, I know they’re tied to the fact that he loves me and his desire to make things right for me and to keep me safe mean everything to him and in his eyes my father failed, not just that, he chose to remove that responsibility from himself, easily, too easily.
“He didn’t know what would happen,” I sigh, slightly calmer.
“Well he fucking should have! He should have prevented it or at least stopped it…the end of a marriage doesn’t give either parent the right to extend the separation to the children. Not under any circumstances.”
