She shrugs as if it’s no biggy or like she has no choice in it.
“That was it for that time. It continued like that for a few more weeks. Whatever happened he would always find some way to punish me like that and then one night a few of us were in the church and a boy tried to kiss me, and Raymond saw it. The boy panicked and said I’d asked him to do it, which I hadn’t. He, John Miller, was a whiny, pain in the arse, mommy’s boy who was also pug ugly, so I did not ask him to kiss me, not ever.”
Her indignation makes me smile.
“But he had the best comic collection I have ever seen, and he shared them with me, secretly. No heroes were allowed except God and Raymond, not necessarily in that order. Raymond was angry with me. Together my counsellor and I decided he was jealous. He sent me home to wait while I protested my innocence. I told him I had done no wrong and he saidwell let’s see if you still feel that way later.”
I stare at her horrified expression and return it with one of my own as I recall Leo saying the same words to Mia.
“Mia,” I whisper.
“Huh-uh.” She smiles weakly. “He came home later and flipped big style, but didn’t spank me, he did however touch me, more than he had before. He told me that I was not allowed to be alone with a boy, that I was forbidden to kiss, touch or be touched by one and then he raped me.”
I feel sick and am unsure if I can trust the contents of my stomach to remain there if I speak so I just stare, and she continues.
“After that it was like the floodgates opened. He raped and assaulted me at every opportunity. That first time was awful, partly because I didn’t understand it and because he hurt me. He was rough with me, manhandled me and even though it was my first time he made no consideration for that, none at all. Afterwards, years afterwards, I did wonder if he was somehow punishing me by being so brutal. He even made me wash my bloodied sheets by hand after he told me that if I told anyone I would go straight to hell and the whole of our community would turn their backs on me and I would have nothing. I think because he knew how badly I missed my dad that I had an issue with keeping the people I knew and loved. I tried not to cry when he came to me or sent for me but sometimes I couldn’t help it and then he would spank me too, hard. Like he was punishing me for him being there with me or for not wanting him there, I don’t know.”
“Bastard!” I say loudly and venomously making her edge back with a start. “Sorry.”
“No, he was, is. More than you might think. I didn’t understand but now with the aid of Janet, my counsellor, I can see that even then he was passing the blame and somehow in his mind transferring his guilt to me.”
I frown my obvious confusion at her comments until she elaborates.
“He always, even that very first time when he was rough, he made me enjoy it,” she says with a crimson flush of embarrassment. “He made me come. Like somehow that made me complicit to it all, if only in his mind. By giving mepleasureif you will, it was okay. I remember the first time how it felt and how my body embraced it, but how I resented my own treacherous responses, even if I didn’t understand them. It hurt to feel any pleasure from what I knew must be wrong and it had to be if it was a secret, it made me feel conflicted. When I realised what those feelings were, I fought them, but that just delayed everything and incurred even more of his anger. I quickly realised that once my body gave him that reaction he would end things for himself, so I soon learned not to fight it in order to get things over with. A few months after it started, I had my first period and although he had always insisted on wearing a condom, he said that I needed to be protected.”
“Condoms?” I ask trying to decipher the thoughts of this paedophile rapist.
“Janet and I think he knew if I went to the police there would be evidence without them, but as there was still room for failure once I was capable of reproducing…”
“Ah, I see. Surely that makes it worse, that he planned things so well. There was no error of judgement or whatever other excuses men like him would try and use to justify their actions?” I shift restlessly in my seat.
“I suppose, but it doesn’t change anything, whether he meticulously planned each time he raped me or accidentally fucked me for two and a half years,” she says and I hear real bitterness in her voice and regret my naïve and frankly fucking stupid observation.
“Sorry,” I lamely offer and am cut deeply by her simple shrug.
“He took me to a private doctor, a friend of the church, to get me on the pill and I got the injection from Dr Mathers. I knew what he did was wrong by then, some of the other children knew things and talked, but I didn’t quite understand exactly what was going on, even when the good doctor gave me the most thorough examination I have ever had, and he did that every twelve to thirteen weeks, but never any more than that for a time.”
“Fucking bastard!” I shout at the doctor now. I need some new expletives and insults.
“Quite. The first time I saw arealdoctor I am unsure who was most embarrassed by what I expected, but she was lovely, still is. She gave me Janet’s details. So, there you have it. It continued like that until I was fifteen and one of the other girls got caught fucking one of the lads and Raymond was ready to throw them both out of the commune, so I asked why they were any different to him. That was a stupid and huge mistake on my part in so many ways, but it did give me the push to seek help.”
“What happened to him, Raymond?” I have total contempt in my voice as I snarl the other man’s name.
“Nothing,” she says with a shake of her head. “Maybe this will be a no holds barred version then.”
“Sorry, I don’t want to push you,” I say, and I don’t, well I do but not to her detriment.
“I know, but maybe this is better, to give you all of it. Who knows, this thing with Conrad fucking Mathers may bring it out into the open anyway. Shit, I could really do without this falling into the public domain.”
“Baby, I promise you that if this explodes and there is a risk of you being exposed, I will ensure that every legal avenue open to you is utilised fully. If we can I will have the whole thing locked down and tied up in legal spiel until the end of time.”
She looks at me with tears in her eyes, but tears of gratitude I think, not that I need nor want her appreciation because this is what I do, I take care of the people I care about and she is top of my list of people now.
“Thank you.” She seems to think for a few seconds before picking up her disclosure. “I went to my mum, to tell her what happened when I was alone with Raymond, what had happened after I inadvertently challenged his rules about couples. He hurt me that time, sometimes he would ensure that whatever he did was painful, like he was punishing me for his pleasure. I told my mum and she was shocked.”
“I imagine she would be,” I say with a smile as I tug her closer by the hand I am holding and stroking. I imagine her mother’s fury and attempt to envisage the fallout from finding that the man you love, your husband has been abusing your child in the worst way possible. “Is that when you left?” I ask but her reply is like a sucker punch to the guts.
“No, no, no! She didn’t believe me. She slapped me across the face, called me a liar and sent for Raymond, to punish me,” she reveals, and I can see she is going to cry at her mother’s betrayal.
