“I don’t think you should do anything other than what you want to do,” he replies. “But that’s the question you’re struggling with, isn’t it? What you actually want?”
“Good morning, you two,” Charlotte calls as she enters the room carrying Byron. “He’s been awake much of the night so I thought we could give Leo and Bethy a little lie in.” She leans towards me. “Would you take him for a moment, dear?”
I happily accept the pink and squishy bundle that is the baby and watch as Tommy follows Charlotte into the kitchen and wonder if he is about to tell her about our conversation.
Byron begins to wriggle in the blanket that is wrapped around him, so I carefully remove it and hold him closer with the cover draped over him. The feel of him curling into me for warmth, protection and love makes me tearful. He is so innocent, just as we all were once and whereas he will always be looked after and kept safe I wasn’t, and it has damaged and scarred me. Big blue eyes are looking up at me, eyes that look a lot like his uncle’s, then as I stroke his face and whisper words to him, they slowly close until he is asleep, snoring softly into my chest.
The tears I felt earlier have overflowed from my eyes and are running down my face by the time Charlotte returns.
“Oh, Olivia, dear, what on earth is the matter?” She takes in my emotional state with a sad expression.
“Nothing.” I sniff, still gazing at the baby I’m cradling but attempt to explain. “He is perfect, absolutely perfect. He has the whole world at his feet and is surrounded by people who love him and will encourage him to achieve everything he wants for himself.”
She smiles and nods as she rubs a hand over my shoulder, soothing and comforting me as Byron yawns.
“And he looks like Mase,” I say on a sob I almost choke on.
“I said that the first time I saw him but nobody else could see it.” Charlotte laughs as she hugs me tightly. “But nobody else loves Mase or knows him as well as we do.” She turns my face to hers. “Olivia, I don’t really know what’s going on with you, Mase and Jimmy, but Jimmy’s presence means somebody has or plans on doing something to hurt you. He will do everything to stop them, we all will, we believe you.” In those few words she has given me something I’ve never had before, complete and utter belief that I am innocent and from a near stranger.
I think back to Mase’s words that if any child had told Charlotte they were being abused she would have believed them and stopped it and she would, I can see and hear it.
“And as for Mase, he has never looked so content, ever. He loves you more than anything in the world and I can see how much he means to you, so there is nothing you can’t overcome together. Although, he is his father’s son and does like to play his cards close to his chest.” Briefly her face takes on a distant expression making me wonder if she’s thinking of Mase or Jimmy.
“He has laid his cards on the table.” I continue with the card analogy that seems apt.
“Then you, like Byron, have the world at your feet my dear. A world with Mason, if that’s what you want,” she says with a pat of my knee then reaches over for the baby. “He should probably be changed. Remember what I’ve said.” She turns away, leaving me alone with my thoughts that are already making plans for the day.
Fortunately, Charlotte and Tommy are out for the day meaning I can go out without too much fuss as Bethy is quite rightly absorbed in her baby and Mia is off horse riding with Leo.
I dress casually in a pair of leggings and a loose-fitting vest top that allows me to put on my old faithful trainers. I grab my backpack and then I’m heading out. The train station is only about a mile and half away so in no time at all I am heading into the city.
My first stop is the doctor’s, for my contraceptive jab which I almost forgot about until Bethy said about the hospital contraception chat. I have also called my counsellor to set up some appointments which will be needed as this thing with Conrad and Raymond proceeds, especially as my stepfather has gone on the run.
I feel ridiculously self-conscious and unsafe as I leave the doctor’s, something I hadn’t expected. My head is spinning as I try to calm my nerves, order my thoughts and avoid a bloody panic attack. As I get on the tube to Sarah’s shop, I find an unoccupied seat and gladly hide away for a while until I’m rushing up the escalators to get out into the fresh air and daylight. The heat and suffocating humidity of the underground really is threatening to overpower me today as are the escalators and crowds that see me falling flat on my face as I attempt to disembark. A tube station employee kindly helps me to my feet, but I refuse all offers of water, a chair and a first aider. I just need to get out, quickly.
By the time I throw myself through Sarah’s door I am overwhelmed and emotional. Seeing my state, she hugs me silently before she sits me down with a cup of tea while I pour my heart out, giving her every detail of my life that is spiralling out of control, in my head at least.
We are halfway through a packet of chocolate digestives by the time I have spilled my guts completely.
“I’m so sorry for being such a shitty friend of late.” I am genuinely sorry and hope my weak smile conveys that. “We need a proper catch-up.”
“If you’re going to cut me loose for a few weeks and have all of this drama we need regular check-ins because I can’t deal with this all at once,” she teases with a smile. “Oh, and you are not a shitty friend, you’re just having a shitty time of things lately. I know I don’t understand the law but it looks as though that bastard of a doctor is going down and if your disgusting stepfather ever puts in an appearance he is going the same way, so things are on the up, kind of.”
“I suppose,” I agree but I daren’t dream it will all be that simple, this is my life after all. “I’ll call you next week, after Mase is home and we could all meet up if you fancy.” I feel slightly less burdened after talking things through. “I’m going back to my flat to sort out any last bits that are there and then anything else I’ll give my landlord first refusal on before dumping.”
“This is it then, you and Mase?” Sarah is wearing a huge toothy grin that makes me laugh.
“Yeah. I am in deeper than even I realised, and I couldn’t be happier,” I say cryptically, before leaving with another promise to call her once I get back to Charlotte’s house.
Chapter 59
Mason
It is safe to say that I feel a complete and utter shit for making my need for marriage so bluntly clear to my girl over the phone. She didn’t say no and yet I still pushed her. She asked for compromise, and whilst there really isn’t one as such I could have given her something; some time, to help her think it through, but no, I simply pointed out that there was none, that her response could only be yes or no.
Slumping back into my seat I recall her telling me that I had to treat her as an equal, a partner and not like some subordinate at work. Earlier, when a man I was meeting with asked if we could compromise, it hit me like a sledgehammer, or a steamroller. There was no compromise for my business deal, I had already done that, but for my girl? I hated myself like I never have at that moment; with a business deal I always left room for manoeuvre, for compromise and earlier with the woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, I gave none.
There is a ping as the fasten seatbelts light comes on and I brace myself, not for the take-off but for the landing when I get to see my girl and set things straight. I text her earlier and made it short and to the point.
