Sienna pulls back, and as a heartbreaking sob escapes, she takes another tablet from the box. Her hand trembles severely as she puts it in her mouth.
I rub my palms up and down her thighs while I patiently wait for her to gather herself.
Watching her take deep breaths, her eyes closed while crippling emotions play out over her face, tells me how much she’s suffered fighting this on her own.
“I love you, Sienna.”
Her eyes pop open, and when I see the doubt, I let the immensity of my feelings for her show on my face so she can see how devoted I am to her.
“You’re not broken, baby. You thought I died, and that kind of pain would make me lose my mind as well.” I move onto my knees. “Every day I had to live without you was pure fucking hell, and you were alive, so I can only imagine how excruciating it must’ve been for you when you believed I was dead. I would’ve lost my mind as well.”
“But it makes me weak, and you need a strong woman to stand beside you.” She picks up one of the boxes and throws the medication against the closet door. “I have to see a psychiatrist every two weeks and take medicine just to get through a normal day. Can you imagine what will happen when things get hard? Instead of being there to support you, I’ll probably end up in the hospital. You deserve so much better.”
When she begins to spiral again, I grip the sides of her head and force her to look at me. “Sienna, I want you. Things have been fucking hard the past month, and you were there for me. Getting to hold you is the only support I want. Being with you gives me peace and calm from the pressure.” My tone softens as I continue, “I love you as you are. I need you to be the sensitive one who balances out my brutal side. I need to come home to your beauty after facing the ugly in our world. Christ, Sienna, I need you.” With desperation lacing the words, I can’t keep a tear from escaping. “Only you ease the darkness in me. No one else.”
She throws her arms around my neck again and admits, “I thought you would be disappointed in me.”
“Never.” I pepper her hair with kisses. “I want to protect you and make life as easy as possible for you.” Staring deep into her eyes, I hope I reach her soul, as I say, “You’ve always struggled with anxiety, and not once have I brought it up. I learned how to help you through your panic attacks, and I’ll learn everything about the phobia so I can avoid making things more difficult for you. I will adapt to you, Sienna, because your peace of mind and happiness are the most important things to me.”
It would fucking kill me, but I think I would even forgive her if she cheated on me. There’s nothing Sienna could do that would make me stop loving her.
“We’ll find a way to make things better for you,” I promise.
When she keeps staring at me, looking very exhausted, I rise to my feet and pull the covers back. “Get in bed, baby. You need to rest and let the medication do its work.”
She listens, and once she’s lying down, I take off her shoes before removing my boots. When I get comfortable beside her, she scoots closer. She’s so fragile and small in this moment, it makes my protective side morph into a powerful force that will obliterate anything and everyone who dares to hurt her.
“I love you,” I murmur lovingly as I engulf her with my body. “I love all of you.”
She clings to me like I’m all that’s anchoring her to reality. As if she fears loosening her grip for even a second would cause her mind to fracture beyond repair, and she will be lost to the terror she’s been fighting so hard.
“My brave, princess.” My lips brush against her hair, and I inhale her calming scent. “I’ll help you fight your fears.”
“How? You can’t stop being thecapo dei capi.” Her words are muffled against my chest.
“No, I can’t, but I could wear a body cam so that you can see me every second of every day.”
Sienna’s head snaps back, shock flitting over her beautiful face. “You’d do that for me?”
The corner of my mouth lifts. “In case you haven’t noticed yet, I would do anything for you. I’ll check in with you constantly. I’ll wear a bulletproof vest.”
“I like the body cam idea.”
A new worry forms in my heart. “Will you be okay seeing me kill people?”
“As long as you’re not the one dying, I can handle anything.”
Staring at her, it sinks in just how much Sienna loves me. A few hours of thinking I was dead, shattered her, leaving fractures so deep she has to live with them for the rest of her life.
“I wish I’d known sooner. I hate that you had to deal with this phobia on your own for so many years.”
“I didn’t want you to lose respect for me,” she admits.
“That will never happen.” I press my forehead to hers. “No more secrets. Okay?”
When she nods, I notice how sleepy she’s getting.
“Take a nap, baby. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
