Fuck.
I move quickly and push the tablet into her mouth, then order, “Swallow, Sienna!”
Thankfully, she does as she’s told. I frame her face and try to lock eyes with her, but hers remain unfocused.
Pressing a kiss to her forehead, I hold her again while repeatedly saying, “Come back to me, baby. Everything is going to be okay. Just come back.”
It feels like a lifetime passes before she stirs in my arms, and her breathing begins to pick up speed again. Pushing her back so I can see her face, I never thought I’d be relieved to see panic and fear in her eyes.
She’s back. Thank fuck!
I capture her gaze and keep my tone steady, “Just stay with me. We can deal with whatever this is.”
Her face crumbles, and it looks like she loses all her will to live. “We can’t.”
“Yes, we can. What is the medication for?”
Sienna pulls away from me and slumps down on the side of the bed. Her entire demeanor looks defeated as she clutches her hands together on her lap, her knuckles turning white.
“I suffer from thanatophobia.” Her voice sounds unbelievably fragile, and it takes a brutal swing at my heart. “It’s a phobia of death.” Her tongue darts out to wet her lips. “It’s not that I’m afraid of dying.” She lifts a hand to her chest and presses her palm over the spot where her heart is. “I’m afraid of losing someone I love and being left all alone.” She lowers her head even more and whispers, “I’m afraid of surviving when everything that matters to me is gone.”
I stand still and remain silent, so she’ll continue to talk.
“The thoughts…” Her voice grows hoarse, her face way too fucking pale. “They rip my mind apart, and the anxiety and fear become unbearable.” Her words falter, and when sobs make it difficult for her to speak, I can’t stand still any longer.
As I kneel by her legs, she covers her face with her hands and groans, “I keep seeing the blood.”
“Princess,” I murmur while brushing my palms up and down her arms.
“I’m weak and broken,” she cries. “I keep seeing you die, and it’s destroying me over and over. That’s why I broke up with you. I thought if I didn’t see you every day, I’d stop loving you and things would get easier.”
She lifts her head, the terrified look in her eyes making my body tense as if I’m getting ready for the fight of my life.
“I can’t watch you go to work every day. I can’t sit and wait for the call. It already destroyed me once.” She sucks in a quivering breath, her panic raw and heartbreaking. “Everysingle day, I’m tormented by the memory of you being shot. You died, and it killed me.”
Not understanding, I shake my head. “I’m here, baby.”
“You died!” she cries while flinging herself against me. My arms lock around her, and as she grips my neck tightly, she whimpers, “I saw the white sheet over your body and your bloody jacket on the floor. You died, and it shattered my mind.”
Christ. Is she talking about when I got shot on the day we were supposed to celebrate our engagement?
I’ve always known death is part of the deal, but not once did I consider what effect it would have on Sienna.
I’d lose my fucking mind if she died, so I can understand some of what she’s going through.
She grips me tighter. “It’s only a matter of time before I lose you again.” Her breathing becomes ragged. “The fear…you died…you died, Christiano.”
“I’m here.” I pull back and frame her face with my hands. “I’m right here. Look at me.” When her eyes focus on my face, I say, “I survived, Sienna.”
“I can’t lose you again,” she whimpers. “It hurt so much when you were dead.”
“Oh, baby.” I press kisses all over her face. “I’m so fucking sorry you went through that. If I had known, I would’ve had them bring you to me while I was in surgery.”
I didn’t know any of this.
She takes another quivering breath, and her tone sounds haunting. “You got shot because of me. I just stood there.”
I swipe my thumbs over her cheeks and shake my head, but she continues, “I’m too weak for a man like you. That’s why I didn’t want to marry you.”
