CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Connor
Jamie pacespast me as I walk through the front door, her left arm flailing in front of her as she listens to someone who must be upsetting her on her phone. Probably another of those mothers who don’t want to let their kids come over here to hang out with the girls because they’re convinced the gossip is right and I’m a murderer.
I don’t try to talk to her because I don’t want to hear any more whining about how our girls’ social lives are being ruined and how I need to do something to fix it. I’m trying. She has no idea how much I want this to all go away.
Maybe I should let her complain to the cops. Maybe Larry and Moe will enjoy listening to her bitch about it. It would serve them right if I sent her down there right now. At least I’d get some peace and quiet.
I don’t make it halfway to the stairs before she asks, “Where have you been? It’s nearly four o’clock. You’ve been gone for hours! I was calling all over looking for you.”
Waving her off, I shake my head and answer, “I was out. I couldn’t stand being in this house anymore. Not that going out is much better. Good old Tony, the man who’s never been shy about borrowing every damn power tool I own, gave me a death stare as I was driving past his house before. All I want to do is rest now.”
Her eyes open wide like I just said the most ridiculous thing a man could say at this moment. “You can’t rest! Our lives have been turned upside down in the past few days, and you want to rest? No, Connor. We need to discuss what’s going on.”
I stop walking and close my eyes in the hope that if I can’t see her, then I can’t hear her either. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works, and even though I’m able to block out the vision of Jamie frantically waving her arms around in a panic, I still have to listen to her.
When I finally look at her again, she seems like she’s about to explode. I’d love it if I had a supportive spouse at this moment. Someone to stand by me and assure me we were going to get through whatever happened.
So much for that.
“I don’t want to discuss what’s going on anymore, Jamie. I don’t want to discuss anything. Nothing at all. I just want to go upstairs and hope to wake up tomorrow morning to a world that hasn’t gone fucking crazy!”
My outburst makes her take a step back, and for the briefest of moments, I have the hope that she finally understands that now is not the time to have any kind of discussion with me. That hope is dashed a second later when she shakes her head and starts talking again.
“I’m thinking of taking the girls to my parents’ house for a few days” she says with tears in her eyes.
Her words hit me like a sledgehammer to the center of my chest. She’s going to take my girls away because she thinks I’m a murderer.
“What? Why? Don’t you believe in me, Jamie? Now you want to take my children away from me? Don’t I have enough horrible shit going on in my life?”
Instead of looking at me, she averts her gaze and stares down at her feet or the floor. “I just think the girls don’t deserve to have to deal with this.”
Fucking terrific! My entire life is falling apart, and now my family is abandoning me.
Grabbing my wife by the shoulders, I fight the urge to shake her until she understands what this is all doing to me. “No, I won’t let you do this! I didn’t kill Bryan. What do I have to do to make you understand that?”
She stuns me when she pushes me hard in the chest, sending me stumbling back until I hit the sofa table. “Don’t you dare put this on me! I didn’t take a goddamned gun on a hike for some stupid reason. You think the girls and I should have to suffer through this with you? Why? We didn’t do anything wrong, yet nobody wants to talk to us anymore and we get people staring and whispering when we walk past them. How is that fair, Connor? Tell me! How is that fair?”
“Fairness has nothing to do with this. It was an accident, Jamie. How many goddamned times do I have to say that? That idiot coroner is wrong. I don’t know why they can’t tell the difference between a suicide and a homicide, but until they do, I’m going to keep protesting my innocence because I didn’t do it!”
The two of us stare at one another, both of us surprised. Our marriage hasn’t been one of constant fights, so we aren’t used to screaming at one another. I don’t think I’ve raised my voice to my wife five times in the fifteen years we’ve been married. Jamieand I aren’t excitable people, so it’s like neither one of us knows how to handle this terrible mistake.
We both take a few moments to calm down, and when she finally speaks again, her voice has returned to its usual sweetness. “Connor, I have to think about the girls. They’re suffering too, you know. It won’t be for long, and my parents’ house isn’t far. You can see them whenever you’re free.”
She barely gets those words out before I’m livid again. So now I get to pay a mortgage for a house I never wanted but my wife insisted on? I bet she thinks I should still keep footing the bill for those damn gymnastics lessons too.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. How are you better than that asshole Tony who suddenly thinks he’s superior to us but had no problem being a mooch with every tool I own ever since he moved into this goddamned neighborhood? What are people going to say when they see you aren’t around? Anyone who doesn’t know us is going to think that’s proof of my guilt. I thought I knew you better than that, Jamie.”
My attempt to guilt her into staying fails instantly, and I see by the flash of anger in her eyes she’s not going to take any blame here. “You thought you knew me better? I feel like I don’t know you at all, Connor! You go out with some guy, and he ends up dead. Everyone says you killed him. I don’t know if you did or you didn’t, but I won’t let those beautiful girls of ours have their lives ruined because of some stupid mistake!”
I rush at her and grab her by the shoulders, shaking them to get some sense into her. “How can you say that? You don’t know if I’m a murderer? What the hell is happening to you?”
Her eyes grow big as she shakes her head frantically. “How can I say that? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. You’re not the man I fell in love with.”
“What does that mean? I’m the same person I’ve always been. I can’t believe you don’t know if I’m guilty of killing a man.”
The room feels like it’s closing in on me as I say those words. I drop my hands from her arms, releasing her. She doesn’t know me anymore? Why? I’m the same person I’ve always been with her. I go to work every day. I pay for every damn thing her little heart desires. How can she say she doesn’t know me anymore?
