She smiles, and for a few seconds, the scars that mar her beautiful face become less invisible. They never fully disappear, though.
“It took me a long time to come to grips with what happened. I didn’t want to go on living for a long time. If it wasn’t for my friends, I don’t think I would have been strong enough to make it through. So just like they helped me, I’m here to help you. Whatever you need, just let me know. If you just want to talk things out, I’m hear to listen. If you want me to take you somewhere, just point the way. Whatever you need, say the word and I’m on it. That’s what my friends did for me in my time of need, so that’s what I’m doing for you.”
I love how kind she is. I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but right now, all I can do is thank God she’s my friend.
“Sort of paying it forward?” I ask with a chuckle which must seem completely opposed to the sadness practically etched into my face nowadays.
“Exactly! That’s the way to do it. We’re all in this together, Jamie. We’ve all got things we have to deal with. When they get too hard to handle on our own, that’s when friends step in and help. Tell me what you need, and I’ll be on it like white on rice. My grandmother used to say that. I don’t exactly what it means, but it seems right for this occasion, doesn’t it?”
As she takes a sip of her drink, I think about that odd saying she used and how I know it because of Connor. “That’s so strange. My husband says that too. I’d never heard it before I met him, and he said his grandfather used to say it all the time.”
Kelsey nods, and her smile gets bigger. “It’s a very small world, I guess. Now tell me how to put a smile back on your face.”
“I don’t know. I feel like my entire world has been upended by this. I can’t wrap my brain around the idea that Connor couldhurt someone, much less kill anyone. He says it was an accident, but the coroner says it’s homicide.”
As soon as that word leaves my lips, I look around to make sure no one is close enough to hear me. I still can’t believe my life includes that horrible word.
“I told him the coroner would be able to see that the angle of the gunshot would show it’s suicide, that Bryan shot himself. He may not have intended to do that, but it happened that way and not the way the coroner currently claims it did. But what if he doesn’t see that? What if the police find out it was Connor’s gun? Then nobody is going to believe it was an accidental suicide.”
Once more, Kelsey gently gives my forearm a squeeze. “You can’t worry yourself about that. Science is science, Jamie. If that gunshot can be proven to show it was a suicide, then any decent lawyer will be able to find a specialist who can attest to that. I’d say your husband has nothing to worry about if he can rely on the science to prove him innocent.”
She’s trying to be helpful, but the mere mention of Connor needing a lawyer to get out of this mess only makes me sick to my stomach. Lawyers cost money. Great lawyers, the kind that can find the right specialists to testify to the angle of the gunshot being evidence of suicide, not murder, cost a fortune.
“That’s the thing. He’s already told me that we can’t afford a lawyer.” I stop and cover my face with my hands. “What am I going to do? Connor’s talking about not paying for the girls’ gymnastics because we have to pay for a lawyer.”
“It’ll be okay. I promise it will. I know it feels like that’s impossible right now, but look at me. I’m living proof that you just have to believe things are going to work out.”
I drop my hands and sigh. “I think I’m going to have to get a job. As much as I want to be there for the girls whenever they need me, I have to find a way to pay for their gymnastics. That means the world to them. I won’t force them to give them up.”
Kelsey nods and then asks, “Do you have any relatives you could stay with for a while? This situation with your husband is obviously wearing on you, and I don’t think you’re going to be able to find a job if you’re feeling this way. At least if you didn’t have to worry so much and could get away from the problem for a little while, you could at least get some breathing room.”
She’s trying to be supportive, but the very idea of leaving Connor to deal with this whole thing on his own feels wrong. I’m his wife. I’m supposed to be there in sickness and in health, till death do we part. That’s what we said in our marriage vows, and until this horrible mess happened, I never doubted I was the kind of woman who lived up to every vow she made.
Now I wonder if I can and still protect my girls the way they need me to.
“I’m so torn, Kelsey. I don’t want to abandon Connor when he needs me most. On the other hand, I can’t think being surrounded by all of this awful situation is good for my daughters. I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh, I completely understand, honey, but your daughters are innocent bystanders to all of this. You’re right to be concerned about their well-being. That’s just you being a good mother.”
I do want to be that for my girls. That’s all I’ve ever wanted is to be the best mother I can be for them. It’s why I spent every afternoon being front and center at their gymnastics practices. I wanted to make sure the coach knew the Jennings girls had someone in their corner. I didn’t want them to be children who had no one watching out for them while all the other girls had their mothers making sure they weren’t overlooked.
For a few moments, I think about how we could go to my parents’ house. It’s only about thirty minutes away, and since I’m happy to drive the girls to and from school like I always do and to and from their practices, it wouldn’t be much different. They’d get to keep their daily routine just as it is.
After I finish my scone, I take a drink of my iced latte. Kelsey’s right. Whatever I do, I’m doing it out of my sole interest to be a good mother to Cassandra and Danielle.
“I think I’m going to ask my parents if we can stay with them for a little while.”
That gets me a big smile from Kelsey. “That’s a good idea. I think a little space from all the chaos will be all you need to protect your daughters.”
She’s right. I know that. I guess I just needed a friend to spell it out for me.
“The girls will be able to stay at their school and with their team, so it’s not like their entire lives will be uprooted. I just hope they understand.”
“Oh, I bet they understand far more than you think. That’s why getting them away from all of this will be good for them. Plus, I’m sure you three spending time with your parents will be great for everyone.”
I nod, sure my parents will be thrilled to get a visit from us. The girls adore their grandparents. I bet that will be just what they need.
Hopefully, Connor will understand why I have to do this.
