“Will I nae? Because keepin’ me distance seems like the kindest thing I can do.”
“There’s nay way this is true, Elijah.” Her voice rose. “Keepin’ yer distance isnae kindness, it’s cowardice.”
“Cowardice?” His voice turned dangerous.
“Aye. Ye’re so afraid of hurtin’ him that ye’re hurtin’ him anyway, just differently. Ye’re teachin’ him he’s nae worth yer time, that he needs to earn yer love through perfect behavior.” Her voice cracked. “That boy deserves better than a faither who’s too afraid to love him properly.”
“And what if I cannae?” The words burst from him. “What if I try and fail? What if I damage him worse?”
“Then ye’ll make mistakes and learn from them, like every other parent.” She softened slightly. “Codie doesnae expect ye to be perfect. He just wants to ken that he matters to ye.”
“He does matter. More than anythin’.”
“Then show him! Stop tellin’ me how much he matters and show him!” The words came out as a plea. “Spend time with him, talk to him, let him see ye’re nae some untouchable figure!”
“I daenae ken how.” The admission was defeated. “I ken how to be a laird. But I daenae ken how to be a faither to that boy.”
“So learn. Learn by tryin’. Make mistakes and apologize for them.”
“And if I fail?”
“Then ye’ll have tried which is more than ye’re doin’ now.” She placed her hand on his arm. “Elijah, ye’re nae yer faither. Ye’re capable of more warmth, more love than he ever was. I’ve seen it.”
He nodded slowly, then pulled her close just holding her in the library’s silence. And standing there in his arms, Iris allowed herself to hope that maybe this impossible marriage might actually work.
That maybe they could become the family Codie needed them to be.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“But ye make it sound so simple.”
Elijah pulled away from Iris, moving to the window where moonlight spilled across the library floor. His reflection stared back at him, dark, brooding, every inch the Beast of McMurphy people whispered about.
“It’s nae simple. But it’s nae impossible either.” Iris’s voice was soft behind him.
“Isnae it?” He turned to face her. “Ye say I should spend more time with Codie, that I should show him I care. But ye daenae understand—nay one would want to spend time with someone as cold as me. I daenae even ken how to express me feelin’s correctly. I open me mouth, and the wrong things come out, or I say nothin’ at all, and either way I end up hurtin’ people.”
“That’s nae true.”
“It is true!” The words burst from him, sharper than he’d intended. “Look at what happened this mornin’. Ye were tryin’ to be kind, and I threw it back in yer face. Margaret tried to reach out to me for years, and I drove her to such despair that she…” He stopped, unable to finish the sentence. “Codie deserves better than a faither who cannae even manage a simple conversation without makin’ everythin’ worse.”
Iris crossed to him, her footsteps quiet on the wooden floor. “Ye’re wrong.”
“Am I? Because the evidence suggests otherwise.”
“The evidence suggests ye’re scared and therefore actin’ defensively.” She stopped close enough that he could smell lavender on her skin. “But Codie would love to spend time with ye, Elijah. I see it in his face every time ye’re near. And as for me, I can understand ye most of the time.”
“Most of the time isnae good enough when it comes to a bairn.”
“Then we’ll work on the rest.” A smile tugged at her mouth. “Ye just have to be less of a beast, and ye can communicate just fine.”
Despite everything, he felt his lips twitch. “Less of a beast?”
“Aye. Maybe try smilin’ occasionally. Speakin’ in full sentences instead of growls. Nae glowerin’ at people like ye’re plannin’ their demise.” Her eyes sparkled with mischief. “Simple things, really.”
“Ye’re mockin’ me.”
“I’m teasin’ ye. There’s a difference.” She reached out, her fingers brushing his arm. “Elijah, ye’re nae nearly as terrible at communication as ye think ye are. Ye’re just terrible at lettin’ people see ye’re tryin’.”
