“I need to think,” she said quietly.
“Aye, ye do. But while ye’re thinkin’, remember one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“This is yers now. This husband, this child, this life. Daenae waste time wonderin’ what might have been. Focus on what is.”
The words settled into Iris’s chest, warm and certain. Could it be true? Could this impossible situation actually be where she was meant to be?
Looking back at the castle, at the windows of Codie’s room where a light still burned, Iris felt something shift inside her. Recognition, perhaps, or acceptance. This was her life now. These were her people. And whether she’d chosen it or not, whether it was perfect or not, it was hers.
And she’d be damned if she’d let her own insecurities destroy it.
The library was dark when Iris entered that night, illuminated only by her candle. Sleep had proven impossible, so she decided to read a book. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Elijah sitting beside Codie’s bed, heard his voice sayingI’m terrified of ye.
“Iris? What are ye doin’ up so late?”
She jumped. Elijah stood in the doorway, still fully dressed despite the hour.
“I couldnae sleep, so I thought I’d read.”
“It’s nae good for ye to lose sleep. Ye’ll make yerself ill.”
“I’ll be fine. What are ye doin’ up? Is it Codie?”
“Nay, he’s restin’ peacefully. Aliana is sittin’ with him.” He poured himself a dram. “I couldnae sleep either.”
Silence fell between them, heavy with everything unsaid.
“Codie is such a good boy,” Iris said finally. “Somethin’ ye’d ken if ye spent more time with him.”
His jaw tightened. “There’s nay need for me to spend more time with him. He has ye now.”
“How can ye say that? That child adores ye, Elijah.”
“And that’s exactly why I need to keep me distance.”
“What?” She stared at him. “What do ye mean?”
“I mean, it’s better for Codie if I daenae get too close. Better if he learns nae to depend on me for affection.” He set his glass downhard. “Ye’re good at this, at bein’ warm and lovin’. I’m nae. So, it’s better if I stay out of the way.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” She moved closer. “Ye’re his da. He needs ye. Needs yer attention, yer approval, yer love.”
“He needs someone who will nae damage him. Someone who kens how to show affection without makin’ it conditional.” His voice dropped, raw. “Someone who willnae turn into the kind of cold, distant father I had.”
“But ye’re nae yer faither.”
“How do ye ken that?” The question was sharp, desperate. “How can ye be certain I willnae become exactly what I’m tryin’ to avoid? Every time I look at Codie, I see all the ways I could fail him.”
Understanding dawned. “Is that what yer faither did to ye?”
“Me faither taught me that emotion was weakness, that carin’ made ye vulnerable, and that a true leader never lets anyone see him falter.” His voice was bitter. “And he was right. Take Margaret’s death for example.”
“Margaret’s death wasnae yer fault.”
“Was it nae? She married me, a man who couldnae give her what she needed. And rather than live with me any longer, she chosedeath.” He ran a hand through his hair. “So, tell me, what makes ye think I willnae do the same to Codie? That I willnae slowly crush everythin’ bright in him?”
“Because ye’re aware of it. Ye’re afraid of becomin’ yer faither which means ye willnae.”
