“Oh. I’m sorry.” I looked down at the list, trying to refocus.
“That’s okay. I’m mostly done anyway.” She opened a cupboard, and thirty seconds later put a steaming mug of hazelnut coffee in front of me on the table. Easing into a chair, she said, “What’s on your mind?”
I took a deep breath, wrapping my fingers around the cup. “Jesse.”
She offered a soft smile. “I can’t say that shocks me. What about him?”
“I want to be with him. The girls and I are free to move to Texas whenever we want, so now I’m left wondering when I should deem myself healthy enough for him, you know?”
She hummed then took a loud sip of her coffee. “Is that what he’s waiting on?”
“What do you mean?”
Her bob angled toward the table as she tipped her head to the side. “I mean, is he waiting for you to”—she used air quotes—“get healthy?”
I frowned, thinking that through. “Not necessarily. He’s waiting for me to be ready.”
“Well, are you ready?”
“That’s the problem. I don’t know if I am.”
She pursed her lips. “Are you waiting for some sort of sign?”
“I’m waiting so that I don’t bring my emotional baggage and all my insecurities to Texas.”
Mom tsked. “Hollie. That’s not realistic. If we all had to be perfectly secure before having love, there wouldn’t be any love in the world. You might be waiting for something impossible.”
“But I want to do right by him.”
“Of course you do, honey. But you could be robbing him, too.”
“What?” I laughed, incredulous. “What does that mean?”
She lifted her mug again. “You could be stealing time by insisting that you be healthy enough—whatever that even means—for him.” She shook her head, suddenly serious. “I know all about losing time, Hollie. And it’s the one thing you can’t get back.”
I blinked, stunned by her perspective. “But I don’t want to hurt him.”
“With…what? Your marital trauma?”
“I guess so.”
“Hollie, you aren’t dysfunctional or broken or hurting others or wreaking havoc everywhere you go. You were hurt and you’re facing all the ways that hurt changed you. But simply being hurt by another person doesn’t disqualify you from being happy again. There isn’t a test you have to pass.”
She took another sip of coffee then continued. “And there are some really good men in the world who will take a woman as she is and love her through her darkness. And sometimes receiving love is the real healing we need.” Her voice cracked a little. “You might be missing out if you’re not letting him love you right where you are. If I had insisted on getting healthy for your father, this family would still be broken, Hollie. Love that’s messy is still powerful.” Her eyes misted over as she thought about Dad. She tsked. “I still don’t deserve him.”
I smiled. “Jesse told me that love we have to earn isn’t real.”
She smiled then deadpanned, her facial animation reminding me of Jackie. “Yet, here’s my oldest daughter, thinking she isn’t good enough.” I started to laugh as she ranted, her arms spreading wide. “Please, for heaven’s sake, go marry that man and put him out of his misery.”
“What ifhe’snot ready?”
She rolled her eyes, the snark fully activated. “Call him and ask. I dare you.”
I paced in my parent’s frigid garage after the girls went to bed, practicing how I should say what was on my heart. But my head was so jumbled with nerves, I couldn’t scrounge up coherent thoughts. It was going to come out like a hot spew of word vomit, and hopefully Jesse could interpret.
When I was tired of thinking in circles, I saidscrew it, and pressed call.
Jesse immediately picked up the phone. “Hey.”
