Mom nodded. “I know.”
“Bea told you?”
“No, Izzy told me at the wedding.”
My mouth fell open. “You’ve known since the wedding?”
Mom nodded. “I’ve wanted to talk to you about it for a long time.”
“Why didn’t you call and ask?”
She lifted a shoulder, drawing a deep breath. “I’m a coward, I guess?”
“Mom.”
“I don’t know, honey. The fact that I was just finding out about it in April made me think that you—you didn’t want me involved.” Her eyes closed as her emotions swelled. “I should have reached out, but…” Her words choked off. “I stilldeal with so much shame, Hollie. And it’s different with you than it is with my other children. I feel terrible saying that, but it is. You were the one who watched me, night after night, jeopardize my family and your future. And I feel like I have no right to question you about your choices anymore. I’ve wanted to ask, and I’ve hoped you’d tell me yourself, but butting in makes me feel like an imposter.”
I swiped the back of my hand over my wet cheeks.
“There’s so many things I haven’t done that I wanted to do because I feel like I have no place.”
“Like what?”
She laughed, but the sound was laced with years of pain. “Be a better grandma to my only grandbabies. Be involved in your life. So many times I’ve wanted to come swim with the girls in your pool or go out for breakfast on my day off. I’ve even wanted to volunteer at a pregnancy center downtown. But pretending to help people when I’ve hurt my own people…” She shrugged, unable to continue.
“Mom, it was so many years ago.” I sniffed. “You’re a wonderful person who made a mistake.”
She shook her head. “No, Hollie. It wasn’t a simplemistake. It was achoicethat had consequences I am stillreaping. Like you and your marriage.”
I frowned. “How is that a consequence?”
“Answer a question for me, first. I’ve had my suspicions for years…” She took a shaky breath. “Was he…was he good to you?”
Talking honestly about Garrett was still new and odd. From the very first day I met him, he poisoned me against my support system, and it took years for me to claw my way out of his maze. “No.”
A sniff and a sob came out of my mother simultaneously, and she dropped her face into the palms of her hands. “I’m so…so…sorry, Hollie.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“You would’ve listened to me—about Garrett.”
Understanding dawned in my heart. “Oh, Mom.” I put my tea on the ground and scooted down the porch swing to sling an arm over her shoulders.
“I could’ve—protected you.”
I leaned my cheek against the top of her head, squeezing her closer.
“But because you didn’t trust me…you got married…and he wasn’t good to you. Thatismy fault.” She struggled for a few long moments to catch her breath. When she lifted her head, she said, “Cal was determined to make our marriage work for the good of the family, and his commitment to me strengthened after all that, if you can believe it.”
My father’s determination was another reason I stayed with Garrett through all our turmoil. I wanted to be like him—selfless and reconciliatory. But comparing my mother to my husband was comparing apples and oranges. They were not the same. Garrett’s unfaithfulness to me was the tip of a very big iceberg.
The fact that my parents were able to find a happily ever after was amiracle. And I was happy for them, but not everyone had to make that choice. I’d been trying foryearsto love Garrett and I into unity, but it didn’t always work like that.
She continued, “I didn’t deserve his forgiveness, and I don’t deserve yours. But is there any way you can forgive me? I feel so silly asking for a second chance when your life has been totally wrecked, but I want a chance to love you and—Izzy and Nora.” She could barely squeeze out their names.
I shook my head. “I can hardly call those two girls a wreck, Mom. I’m not sure I’d go back and change anything because then I wouldn’thave them. I do forgive you. But I need your forgiveness too. I know you tried to have this conversation with me many times before but I was bitter and allowed Garrett to manipulate me into thinking you all hated me.” I huffed in disbelief at the absurdity of his schemes. “I’m sorry for being an angry, rebellious teen and not having this conversation with you thirteen years ago.”
Mom turned to face me and her arms came around my neck. I leaned forward to hug her and our shoulders shook together. She whispered over my shoulder, “I’ve never once blamed you, honey. Never once.”
