What Jesse and I had was much simpler than love. It was attraction, care, chemistry, and camaraderie. Deep respect and admiration. None of which necessitated love, right?
An unlit sparkler poked against my arm. “Don’t tell me you’re too old for these things.”
I turned to see Jesse with a smirk on his face.
I snatched it from him. “Never. Light me.”
He lifted his sparkler to mine, rolling his lips against the huge smile pulling at his cheeks. In the sparkling light, I caught his gaze and laughed. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
His smile broke free as he shrugged. “I’m having fun.”
Before I could respond, my sparklerwooshedwith flame, and I stepped back, circling it through the air and watching the long tails bring the night to life. Nora ran up to Jesse and demanded, “Spell my name!”
My heart melted as Jesse moved his sparkler in the air, spelling out loud. “N-O-R-A…wait, how do you spell your middle name?”
Izzy quipped. “L-E-I-G-H.”
Jesse continued and Nora’s little wand followed his through the air, moving so quickly it looked like a bad wiring job. When they finished, Jesse gave her a high five. My cheeks ached from smiling so much, but I couldn’t stop. Especially after he turned back to me.
I lifted my lifeless sparkler. “I’m out.”
He pulled two more from the box sticking out of his butt pocketand flicked a lighter beneath them, enabling us to have thirty more seconds of fun. Over the chatter of children, I caught bits of the country song in the background—one I actually knew.Chicken Friedby Zac Brown Band.
Jesse bobbed his head back and forth, in sync with his bouncing sparkler, as he mouthed the lyrics of theveryAmerican song. I laughed. Why was he so sweet? Did he realize what a big teddy bear he was? He was kind, intelligent, and thebestlistener I’d ever met. He was difficult to rattle and had the easiest smile. He’d been throughsomuch, yet still had so much to give.
A jumble of feelings I could never put words to ruptured in my heart.
I wanted to cry, laugh, scream.
Dance.
The breath froze in my lungs.
I want to dance.
For the last thirteen years, all I wanted to do washidethat I could dance. Now, here under the big Texas sky, inhaling colorful smoke, I felt like I wouldexplodeif I didn’t. Gripping the thin wooden stick, I lifted it above my head and twirled on my toe, the gravel grinding beneath the rubber of my tennis shoe. It was nothing tight, measured. Just a sloppy pirouette on shifting rocks. My curls bounced against the back of my neck as I did it again, leading this time with a relaxed chassè, a deep swoop, then a tighter pirouette. I stumbled out of it because my toe dug a crater into the driveway. I caught my footing, laughing a little as my heart leapt in my chest.
That felt good.Sogood.
My eyes immediately found Jesse’s. His brows were raised, the warm smile on his face saying everything I needed to hear. He was proud of me.
Iwas proud of me.
“Mom!” Izzy yelled, dropping her dark sparkler on the ground. “How did you do that?”
I laughed. “Do what?”
“The thing with your feet!”
“Oh!” I did a chassé again, slower this time. “This?”
“Yes!”
The weight of regret tumbled into my heart. Had I not ever danced with the girls? I frantically thought through the past nine years. All those impromptu dance parties and karaoke machines and I never danced? I remembered holding their hands, swaying, and bebopping a little. But, I’d never really let loose. They had no idea I could dance. A lump rose in my throat but I swallowed it down.
Jesse’s words wrapped around my heart like a hug—a tender push into healing.
“If he took dancing from you, take it back.”
