The word choice caught my attention. “Shouldn’t?”
She nodded once. Saying it more decisively this time. “Yeah.Shouldn't.”
“Okay.” I narrowed my eyes, noting the blotchy red spots along her cheek and temple. She kept her face averted. “It’s late. Maybe some other time.”
She murmured, “No, Jesse, not next time.” She continued with a little more confidence. “I need to set the record straight.”
I braced myself, predicting where this conversation would go.
She chanced a glance at my face, and in that split second, I got a clear view of her eyes. They were red-rimmed, a little puffy. Her nose was pink, too. She’d been crying. Warm blood surged through my veins at the realization. She cleared her throat, looking for her voice. “I—I need to know—what your intent with me is.”
Getting put on the spot was the last thing I expected to happen tonight.
“I don’t know if I can sleep until I get it…squared away.” Her voice cracked over the last words. “You’ve made a lot of comments and stuff and I just…Ineeda full picture of what it is you want.”
“Fair enough.” I turned to set the plate of food down on a barrel in the hallway. “I’m not sure I have it all sorted out myself. But we…connectedthe weekend you were here for the wedding, and I want to explore that.”
“I’mnotsleeping with you, Jesse.”
I reared back in surprise. “I wasn’t expecting that…at all.”
Shetsked like she didn’t believe me. “You said ‘explore our connection.’ You’re not talking about the kiss?”
It was the first time we’d ever mentioned our kiss. To say I didn’t want to explore our explosive physical chemistry would be a wild lie neither one of us would believe. I doubted any man could kiss a woman like I’d kissed Hollie and not want toexplorethatconnection, but no, it was not my intent. I didn’t set out every day hoping for an opportunity. That kiss was premature considering I knew practically nothing about her at the time and I believed that type of kissing was better left within the confines of marriage—easier said than done though.
I took a deep breath. “You thinking that’s all I’m after is one-hundred percent my fault, Hollie.”
Her breaths picked up pace, and her teeth dug into her bottom lip.
I spoke slowly. “I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want to kiss you again, because I definitely do, but the way I…” I floundered, looking for words as I denied the thrill that ran through my body at the memory of us in the tack room. My core heated at the mere mention of it. “The way I touched you wasn’t appropriate. You’re not mine, but, for a few minutes, I acted like you were. That’s not the way Iwant to treat women, and I’m sorry I took advantage of you like that. It was selfish.”
Her cheeks flamed red. Mine probably did, too.
She blinked repeatedly as a deep swallow pulled at her throat. “Whatdoyou want then?”
I hesitated for a moment. “I don’t know. That might not be a good answer, but I’m still trying to figure it out. For a long time, I’ve never even considered the idea of another woman in my life, but ever since I met you…I’ve wondered if it’s possible.”
She stared at the ground. “I don’t know what you’re insinuating, but I have a life in Colorado.”
“I know.”
“I won’t be staying. I—I don’t want to build up your expectations for something that will never happen.”
I pressed my lips together, refusing to compare her to Bea. Hollie’s situation was nothing like Bea’s, and I couldn’t expect her to leave her life in Colorado to explore something with me. I lived in the middle of nowhere and didn’t have much to offer her family. Wait—what was I even thinking? My cart was so ahead of the horse, I was careening down a mountain side with no way to stop. My thoughts were a thousand levels of lonely. And I’d make a fool of myself if I didn’t pull the brakes on my feelings somehow. All I knew was Hollie made me feel something. She made me happy. And her company made my days a lot shorter.
I managed to reply, “I understand.”
“And…” Her voice choked off. “Maybe you’re ready for another relationship, and good for you if so, but I don’t think I’ll ever have the courage to try again. So, you’re better off not getting…involved with me.”
The wayanother relationshiprolled off her tongue caused guilt to niggle behind my breast bone. I knew she didn’t mean to make Laurel sound replaceable, but for a fleeting moment, I worried pursuing Holliewouldbe replacing Laurel. I had very strong feelings for her, yes, but my heart still belonged to my wife. I blinked through the confusion, telling myself to work through that conundrum later.
Hollie’s thumb worked away at her poor fingernails. Painradiated off of her, and I wanted nothing more than to understand why she hurt so bad. It probably had little to do with me.
I gently prodded. “Is this because of your ex?”
She scoffed. “No, because ofme. I don’t have sound judgment.” She continued, “I want things that aren’t good for me, and I can’t trust my decisions anymore.”
Garrett had to be behind this change in her. I knew very little about the man but I hated him. All I knew was the vibrant smiling woman of this afternoon was carving out her fingernails and looked ready to bolt. Something happened. “Why can’t you trust your decisions?”
