Silence fell for a few moments before he spoke. “To be able to look at yourself and know you have to change is a good first step, Jack.”
“Any advice on the next one? Right now, I feel pretty lost.”
Pat took a deep breath. “Jules—she had to learn there was no such thing as bad or good feelings. Once she let herself feel them—I think that’s when she started to heal. Feelings are part of the human experience and none make you a bad or weak person.”
Pat paused for a beat. “Sunny is the same way. She grieves something she can’t even remember—a sense of loss she carries with her all the time. Because she can’t understand it, she feels stupid. She’s had to do a lot of relearning, too.”
I didn’t know much about Sunny’s story. She had a nasty one, apparently, but Jules and Pat said it was her story to tell and didn’t divulge any details to anyone.
“So maybe that’s the next step for you. Figure out why you hate the crying so much and deal with that.”
The brief mention caused my mom’s memory to storm inside my chest. I’d stuffed it down over and over until it was nearly—but not quite—forgotten. Didn’t really want to think of it now and certainly didn’t want to share it with Pat.
“Then get to know your wife. Figure out why she ticks the way she does. I don’t think I could be the partner Jules needs if I didn’t know her past, understand the impact Nathaniel had on her, and stuff. Maybe there are things like that you need to learn about Miranda.”
I wracked my brain. “I feel like I know everything about her.”
“You might. But just because you know all the clues doesn’t mean you’ve solved the mystery. There’s a difference betweenknowandunderstand.”
Huh.
Solve the mystery of my wife.
He took a deep breath. “Losing seven babies sounds traumatic. Trauma doesn’t always make sense from the outside. It literally alters your brain chemistry. Remember that.”
All of this felt overwhelming. “Does Jules still have a lot of bad days?”
“Much less than before, but yes, she still has them. We all do.”
“What helps you guys?”
“Well, if I’m having a bad day, I usually need to be alone for a while. I process best with silence. Then I need Jules to hear me out—I’ve talked for hours after those alone times. She’s the best listener.
“Sunny is working on processing through bad days. Right now, she tends to shut us out. Will withdraw into books for days sometimes. When she’s like that, I try to make a bowl of popcorn and read nearby. Just so she doesn’t feel isolated. Sometimes she comes down to the shop and shadows me—I can usually get her to open up if we are working on something side by side.
“Jules typically needs a good cry, but she won’t let go and cry if she’s alone. She wants to be held. Then she wants pizza and a movie.”
He shrugged. “Maybe I’m weird, but I think it’s an honor we get to help each other heal. I have their hearts in my hands and I don’t take that lightly. It makes life a lot more painful and a lot more complicated, but they’re worth it. I’d venture to say Miranda and Kacey are worth that too.”
Why did I feel defeated? My response was soft and my gaze dropped to my hands. “Yeah, they absolutely are.”
“You know, there might be stuff you need to work out too. Sometimes we aren’t what we need to be for other people because we aren’t what we need to be for ourselves. Can’t help somebody else while you’re bleeding out, ya know?”
Was I bleeding out? If I was, I couldn’t feel it.
“It wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone.”
“Is this when you tell me I need a shrink?”
He laughed. “Definitely. All three of us see Dr. Hannel in Hendersonville twice a month, no exceptions. Making it out there for six appointments is expensive and can get a little dicey with babies in the mix, but it’s a Moore household requirement.”
He pulled out his phone and ten seconds later, mine buzzed in the clip.
“I just sent you his office number in case you’re interested.”
“Thanks.” I smiled. “You know, Pat, I’m glad Jules has you. You’re a good guy.”
Pat tipped his head down. “Well, Kevin Moore was a good man. Pretty sure I owe him.”
